Time to take off

I'm staying up late again. And drinking.

It seems like all I want these days is to eat and drink. I stuff my face all the time, with food and candy or whatever else I get my hands on, and I'm craving alcohol from the moment I get out of bed. Like seriously craving it. I walk on my toes all day, wanting to grab a beer or something, and when I finally can I'm way too happy about it.

That can't be good.

And I think my parents are suspecting I'm having issues, cause my mother has started commenting on my drinking and almost refusing me to do so. Right now, I have to ask her if I can go grab a beer, and I'm 25 years old. And I don't even dare ask her, cause I'm afraid she'll think I'm having alcohol problems!

I so need to get out of here, and go back to my own apartment. In there I can drink without feeling bad, at least. I had to wait until everyone else had gone to bed before I could grab a glass of wine tonight. And I just feel horrible because of it..
I feel like I have to go behind my parents' back just to have ONE glass of wine. Or just ONE beer. Which is utterly ridicules! It shouldn't have to be this way!

So, I'm thinking that later this week, I'm packing my stuff and going back home again. Besides, I could use the time to myself, cause you really don't get much privacy when you're staying with your parents. Not that I mind, really, cause I love my family, but I prefer having total control of everything and feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want to. And I can't do that as long as I'm visiting someone else.

I'm not a people-person. I'm just not.
I don't like having people around me!

Well, that depends on the people, though.. There are certain people I like having around me, even for longer periods, that don't drive me insane. But those are rarities..

And right now, I don't really have anyone at all.

I couldn't be more alone.

I'm just glad I have a glass of wine right now, and I'm gonna buy at least a 6 pack of beers before I go home. I'll be fine then.

*

Christmas aftermath?

Song of the Day:
"Ambitions" - Donkeyboy

I'm drinking. Again. I'm doing that a lot lately, I've noticed. Like, every day. Should I be worried? I mean, it's not like I'm trying to get drunk. At least not all the time. It just kind of happens. Somehow.

I don't know...

I'm spending all my energy on keeping up a show for everyone, to have them believe I'm alright. I guess I'm good with masks myself... Cause I keep having one on every time I'm around people. A mask that tells them I'm smiling and doing fine, and even though I'm sick it's alright. I'm great!

It's a terrible mask.

I'm not doing so great. On any level. Yeah, of course I'm sick and all that, but it's really not that serious. Is it? I don't know. I've got no real answers from the doctor about my physical health so far. Just theories, and most of them are ones I'm making up myself based on the few things he's told me. Theories I'm clinging on to with every drop of strength that I have. I need it. You know? Some sort of stamp that tells me what's wrong, so I can start finding a cure. Or a way to handle things.
Or something...

I'm barely standing these days. Just getting up from a chair or a couch, or the bed, takes up so much energy that I almost faint before I'm half way there! Everything makes me tired, or dizzy. And my head hurts all the time. I feel like throwing up a lot, but I don't. And the chest, and how difficult it is to breathe all the time, is a real bitch.

And I complain a lot. See?
Though I try not to complain too much out loud. I think it's a pride thing. I don't know. But it's weird, you know. I love getting attention, so if I just fall over and cry about how sick I am then the attention would be all over me all the time! But I can't do that. I don't want to admit this defeat. I don't want to be the one asking for help. I don't want to claim that attention, especially when there are others in need of it. And really, do people need to waste their energy on my idiotic issues? No, they don't. So I shut up, and then they won't have to.

I can handle this on my own.

Well, no, really. I can't. I'm dying here on my own. I'm spiraling down, and I can see the ground coming closer to me, all too fast. When I hit that ground, I won't be able to stand up again. I'll be dead.

But, again, I can't go wasting other people's time on being selfish and demanding their attention for my problems. And I can't ask for help. I just can't.

What if I get rejected?

I can't. I'd die for sure if I was.

I've never been able to handle rejection very well. It's a huge fear I've had since my childhood, and it shapes all of my fears and phobias. And my life. I can't get rejected, and left. It destroys me. And these days, I can't even handle someone saying no to have a cup of coffee with me or something without breaking down. The tiniest little rejection, and I'm dead inside. Even more dead than usual, and that says a lot. I'm a mess.

I'm an idiot and a mess.

I can't stand up. I can't go out. I can't face the world. It kills me. But I do it anyway. Not because I want to, but because I have no other choice. Why? I don't know. That's just the way things are.

Stand alone, die alone.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. As I said; I'm drinking again. So I'm somewhat drunk. And I suppose I'm not making any sense at all. Maybe I should just go to bed.. Christmas eve is over now, after all.

They want to lock me up. No, wait, that sounds a bit wrong. Submit me? Something like that. I don't know.. There's a lot of things I don't know.

I'm just crashing.
Soon I'll be dead anyway. Somehow.
That's what happens when you crash, unless you have your seatbelt on.

A seatbelt would be nice..
That's what I should've asked for this christmas.

I'm such an idiot.

*

Going Down in Flames

Song of the Day:
"This Time" - 3 Doors Down

I think I need to see a doctor soon, for several reasons. I just can't keep this up any longer. Not on any level at all.

My body is falling apart on me now. Nothing's working as it should, and I am getting so damned tired of it. What bothers me the most is the lungs, cause I've never had any trouble with them before. Everything else I can deal with, cause I've been dealing with it all for so long that it's become a habit. But these issues are new ones, and they started earlier this year. And they're creating the nice topping on an already overly decorated cake. I'm just fed up with it now. There's too much. And I've been dealing with it on my own for too long, so maybe it's time I saw a proper doctor about it all. Maybe..

But I've got other issues, serious ones, and I think I'm in need of a different kind of doctor to help me get through this, cause I fear it is turning into an obsession. And it's killing me.

Everything, my entire world, and my life, is built around that ex of mine. I gave it a lot of thought today, and I believe this is more serious than I originally thought. I'm honestly afraid that this is an obsession, and it's a highly unhealthy one for several reasons. It scares me. And I really do not want to keep on living like this! I'm so damned unhappy, and I can't even function normally anymore, in any way. I just feel sick now..

I love her. With every fiber of my body. I'd do anything for her, even if it would destroy me. And I know that those feelings aren't answered. No matter how much I wish for it, she doesn't love me back, and I just end up playing the fool.

It's not that she doesn't care, cause I know she does. Just not in the way I want her to. But she has a way of treating me that breaks me. It's as if she only cares when it suits her. As if she only loves me when there's no one else she can focus her attention on, and that I'm only called in when there's no one else to call in. As if I'm just a toy for her... I know she doesn't mean to treat me this way, and act like that, and I know that in truth she does care for me as a friend. It's just the way she is that make it seem that way. But even though I am aware of that, it still breaks me. It still hurts.

I don't want to keep living like this, with this pain. Cause it pains me more than I am capable of expressing in words. I can't keep building my world around someone that'll eventually disappear from my life, and find happiness elsewhere. I am building a skycastle, and it's not the kind of home I need. It's not even the kind of home I want..

I'm just frustrated today.

A lot of things have been building up inside me for way too long, and finally it seemed as if my mood was in the right corner for things to finally blow up in my face. I'm on a serious meltdown right now, and I can't seem to get out of it.

I'm thinking about things I really shouldn't..

I'm just trying to find some sort of hope to hang on to.
I honestly wish things were different.
I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.
It's the only thing I want.

Damn it all.

And then there's that pathetic excuse of a life-form. If I could, I'd completely remove him from everything that can be called existence! I despise him in every possible way, for way too many reasons. He's a psychopathic idiot that doesn't deserve to breathe air at all.
Yes, I have issues with him.
Does it show?
I just can't stand him. He have done so much bad, and hurt her in so many ways, abused and tormented her in ways no one can imagine, and he broke her wings. I'll never forgive him for it. Her wings were never meant to be broken! The only positive thing that came out of that man, is his son. A creature I adore more than I'd like to admit... But that is the only good thing that man can ever brag about. If it was up to me, he'd be gone.

And even though her leaving me probably would've happened sooner or later, since she doesn't love me in that way, I kind of feel like it's his fault that it happened like this. It's that damned grip he has on her, that ripped her out of my hands. And I hate him for it. I can honestly say that he is the only living creature on this planet that I actually hate. And I'll always hate him.

Had things been different, I would've stopped this.
I don't know..
If she loved me, and wanted to spend her life with me, I would've done anything to stand between them. I don't care if he stood before me with a goddamn gun in his hand and threatened to shoot me, cause I'd never let him anywhere near her if that's what she wanted me to do.

I'm a highly territorial person, that I am aware of. When I feel like something or someone can be called my territory, I'll do anything to keep others away from it/them. I can even get violent if I'm in the right mood. And whenever I sense that someone is trying to move in on my territory, I can get pretty nasty about marking it as my territory.
But she always makes me so damned insecure... I'm too scared to mark her as my own, cause I'm always so afraid about what's right and what's wrong for her. She's the only person that can make me this insecure.
But had thing's been different, and I knew for sure that she actually loved me and allowed me to call her mine, then I'd be damned if he'd ever get close to her. I'd make sure he knew she was my territory, without ever saying so with pure words. But he'd know. And if he ever took even the smallest step over that line, then I'd be there to make sure he'd regret it.

But this was something I couldn't do. It wasn't my right. She made it quite clear that I am not hers in that way. And how could I get inbetween them when she was so quick to stick herself to him whenever he showed up? How could I ever protect her from him, when she kept running in his direction? She made it impossible. In the end, there's nothing I can do.
She keeps making excuses, but in the end that's all they are. Excuses. And I've come to the point where excuses doesn't mean anything to me anymore. They're worthless.

These feelings of mine won't ever be returned no matter how much I wish for it.

And that truth hurts more than a thousand lies..

In the end, I am just a worthless fool that runs around to entertain her. I sit and wait for her to give me attention, and I drop everything I have and run to her whenever she calls on me. Sometimes it even feels like she's aware of it, and is just taking advantage of me, but I know it's just my insecurity playing on my imagination. Or, at least I hope it is..

I don't know anymore.
All I know is that I am a pathetic fool.
And I wish with my entire being I could quit.

*

Digging graves

Song of the Day:
"Bad Things" - Jace Everett

She started talking about him today.
I honestly wanted to tell her to shut up, but that would've been idiotic of me. I'm the one with the issues here, so she shouldn't have to pay for that. Even though I'm the one who payed for the issues she has with him.

Okay, no, don't go down that road now, you idiot.
Just forget about it.

Jeeze, I'm such a fucked up mess.

I want to move on and get out of this effin' grave I'm in right now, but no matter how hard I try I just get dragged right back down again. I'm not even sure what it is that keeps dragging me like this.
What I do know, though, is that I'm not happy like this. I'm so miserable, it hurts. I'm so depressed, I can't even cry. I'd do anything to escape this.

I'd do anything to get back that small piece of happiness I thought I had before all of this happened. Anything...

*

Fallen Apart, but Still Standing

Song of the Day:
"Leave out all the Rest" - Linkin Park

I'm spinning.
I think.
I don't know..

I've been thinking about a lot of things, and reading through my old entries, and I've tried to piece together all the broken pieces of my mind. It's like a giant puzzle, but none of the pieces fit and the image on it looks like something taken out of a horror movie. It makes no sense to me. Maybe it's not supposed to make sense..

I see, from reading this blog, that a lot of the entries revolve around my ex. A lot of the pieces in the puzzle have her on them. I guess it's no big secret that I still love her. And that I'm not over her. And that I'm still bitter about things, if I take the moment to stop and think about it..
We're talking now. Staying on a friendly level, texting back and forth, almost being friends like we used to. We even got drunk together last weekend, and she stayed the night. Nothing happened, of course, but just having her that close to me really made my insides hurt in a way I never thought possible. I'm very happy that we're back to being friends again, but things still feel iffy inside me. It hurts being near her, and it hurts when she's not here. It just hurts no matter what I do.

Why does it have to hurt like this?

I am still going through things in my mind, as if that'll help somehow. I'm just trying to see if anything could've been done differently. But I don't think so. At least on my part..

I suppose the biggest mistake I did in all of this was to feel.
And I honestly did feel disgusted when my own girlfriend flirted and clung herself to an ex she claimed she hated. And I felt sick to my stomach when I tried to take it up with her and she made no effort to clear things up. Then I felt worthless as the days passed and I heard nothing from her while I knew she was spending all of her time with that damned ex of hers. And lastly, I felt completely crushed when I finally confronted her with things and she just left.

I made it easy for her, I really did. I told her that I didn't want her to act the way she did around him, flirting and clinging to him like that, when she was supposed to be MY girlfriend. It wasn't right. I wanted her to keep her fingers off him, but she said she didn't think she'd be able to do that as long as he was around. As long as he was a friend. So I told her to make the choice between being his friend, and my girlfriend. As simple as that. If she couldn't keep her hands off him, that's the way things had to be.
And she left.
She claimed she couldn't make that choice, but she made it either way. She left me. She chose to stay his friend, over staying my girlfriend. In the end, he meant more to her than I did. An easy choice, really...

I guess I'm just bitter because I wasn't worth more. And hurt because of the way I was treated.

And I'm also feeling uneasy, now that we can actually meet in town and walk around, when we meet other people she knows. And her mother. Cause I feel like they all see me as the bad guy in all of this. Like I was the one who mistreated her in some way. But I suppose there's nothing I can do about that. And it's not like she can go around saying "No, you don't have to feel sorry for me, cause I was the one who left." cause that would just be silly. I know I shouldn't really care about what other people think. They're her friends, and they will always protect her. That's just the way things are.

I guess I just don't want to take the blame for breaking things, when I was the one who tried to fix it..

But in all honesty, these things have been put behind me. I am only bringing them up here right now to get a proper overview on things. The actual break-up isn't an issue for me anymore, cause I've done a good job of getting over it and putting it behind me.

What I can't get over, and put behind me, is her.

I can't kill my feelings for her, no matter how hard I try. And believe me; I AM trying! It's not like I want to love someone who doesn't love me back. It's not like I take pleasure in feeling depressed when she's not around, and getting jealous over idiotic things and people around her, and hurt whenever I feel like she doesn't care as much as I wish she did. But I can't help it...

I can't sleep, cause I keep staring at the ceiling every night and thinking about her. Everything inside me lives and breathes because of that damned woman and the things she bring me! And I'm just a fool...

But my biggest issues in all of this, the ones that kill me over and over and over again every single minute of the god-damned day, are things so private that I can't even write about them in an anonymous blog like this. And it's those things that can make my body stop moving in the middle of the day, even if there are people around, and just hurt. It's those things that drag me down into the dark pit of depression when I'm feeling fine, and stabs me over and over again. It's those things that make me wonder if my life has any meaning to it at all...

The things that helped me breathe.
Without them, I am choking to death.

But I am trying to cope. I am pushing forward with all my might, hoping to find answers and solutions to the problems that just keep piling up on me, and I keep standing up even though I've fallen so unbelievably far down. I've been broken into a million pieces, and I still keep on breaking. I've fallen apart at the seams, and I still keep falling apart.
I'm dead.
But I am still standing.

I am still standing.

*

Rollercoaster

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here, but the truth is that I haven't really felt like being all that social with my own blog. Yeah, I know, it's completely ridicules, but I just haven't been feeling all that great lately.

My life is an emotional rollercoaster, and it has been that way for a long time. My mood is more up and down that it has ever been before, as far as I can remember, and I'm just generally feeling like crap. There's just too many things going through my head, and too many emotions running haywire in me...

I am feeling so horribly lonely these days. And not lonely in the way that I want company, cause in all honesty I really don't want people around me at all, but lonely in the way that I want someone to share my life with. I want to settle down. I want someone to love, who loves me back. Someone I can take care of. Someone that can breathe life into my fire, and warm the frozen parts of me. Someone to protect me from those parts of myself that destroy me...

I am tired of being hurt. Tired of people leaving me, rejecting me. Tired of feeling like no one is able to love me for who I am. Tired of being unhappy. Tired of being lonely.
I'm just generally tired.

It just feels like there is no room for me in this world. Like I am not meant to be here at all, and that there is no way I can ever find happiness here. I suppose it's just the voices in the back of my mind telling me all this, but that doesn't make the feelings it creates any less real.

The winter-depression is slowly killing me. I can't remember the last time it had such a serious grip on me, and it feels like it's slowly choking me to death. It's just getting worse every day, and it's honestly starting to worry me. It's sucking out all my energy, and it is starting to drain my physical health along with my mental health. How am I supposed to deal with this? I never know how to handle these depressions when they come and go. I just sit and get abused by them, and then I'm just left feeling like a used toy... And it's a feeling I've been given way too many times by both people and these depressions.

I don't know..
Nothing feels right anymore.
And there's nothing I can do to fix that.

*

...

I'm tired of living...
Can't I just quit this now?

Lonely world

Song of the Night:
"Dark Side of the Moon (Piano Mix)" - Dune

I'm sitting alone on a saturday night, drinking beer and surfing the internet, and I realize how lonely I really am. It hits me like something that stings deep inside my stomach, and it makes it difficult to breathe.

I'm just staring at my screen now, unsure of how to react. I've felt this a couple of times these past weeks/months, but right now it's worse than usual, and I can see it for what it is. I'm really, really lonely. And it hurts.

I guess I'm just not meant for this world.
*

Falling, falling, falling...

Song of the Day:
"Falls on Me" - Fuel

I'm still bitter. And it hurts. I catch myself staring out into the air, looking at nothing in particular, and just hurting inside. I want to move on, put this behind me, forget about everything, and just go back to at least that friendly level where we could talk to eachother. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't. And it's making me bitter, and depressed.

I guess I just feel so wronged in all of this. I feel like she didn't take any responsibility for the things she did. Like all she did was just run away from everything and leave me to clean up the mess. And that's extremely painful... How can she expect me to take responsibility for this mess, when she was the one who made it in the first place?

I dunno...
I'm just feeling really down right now.

We haven't talked in a while. She's not making any contact, of course, and I just don't feel like it's up to me to take that first step. I'm too tired and too hurt to make that effort. And I suppose she can't be bothered to do so herself.

So this is how things'll slowly end between us, is what I'm thinking. It's so damned painful, and it makes me hurt so effin' bad inside that I can't even cry. I just sit here and stare at the air, wishing things were different.

Maybe it's better this way? I know I'll always love her, and I know she won't ever feel the same, and just being friends and watching her spend her life with someone else would just kill me. So, in the end, maybe this is better.. I don't know. I guess I'm just hanging on to those small threads that I find, hoping that it'll help me survive.

I really got no other choice.
*

Retreating

Song of the Day:
"Behind Those Eyes" - 3 Doors Down

I am retreating for a while. I think I need it.

Life has been anything but good to me lately, and I've gone through too much shit. I've hit the wall right now, and I'm out of strength. I just can't keep this up.

The past year have been a tough one, with a lot of ups and downs. Life just haven't been standing still for even the slightest moment, so I haven't had the time to sit down and let things sink in. Huge changes have been all around me, with journeys and moving and new jobs, and my love-life have been a rollercoaster like no other. I really don't know what has kept me standing through all of this, cause everything inside me wanted to crumble a long time ago. Emotionally, mentally and physically, I've been stretched beyond limits of what I am supposed to be able to handle, all in the past year.
A rather bad depression hit me this spring, and I couldn't seem to understand what caused it. It was in a period where things were going rather well, and in the beginning of a very good relationship where I was very much in love. I had pink cats! So how I could suddenly feel depressed was beyond me. I couldn't see it then, but things were starting to catch up to me.
And during the summer, the depression struck with full force.
I hadn't had the time to let things settle, and allow myself to digest everything that had happened during the past half year or so, and my mind was far from able to deal with that. I felt like I was slowly spiraling down towards something extremely bad, and I was worried. I was depressed, things were falling down around me, and I couldn't seem to make things go round in many ways. Economically, I was pretty much fucked. On top of that, my health dropped drastically. My entire body just decided to fall apart, bit by bit, and I spent the entire summer trying to just ignore it all while hoping it would go away. I didn't seek out any help, nor did I even mention this to anyone, cause I wanted to show some strength for once. I wanted to be the one people could rely on, and come to when they were weak, but I couldn't be that person if couldn't even keep myself up. So I stood through it all by myself.

What kept me going was a good friend and a lover. I wanted to be a pillar of strength she could lean on, cause I knew she was going through a lot. And I knew that if I died, it would make things a lot worse for her. So I found my strength in those hidden sources I turn to when I need it, and I kept on pushing forward. I started a journal that I kept with me wherever I went, cause I know writing things down is always a good help for me. I'm not good with talking about my issues.. I prefer to write them down instead, and keep them to myself. I owe that journal a lot.
I really did push myself as far as I could.
Then things went horribly wrong. The one person I kept my strength for, left. And took away everything important in my life, and everything I kept going for. I wish.. I wish she could've talked to me the moment she saw that things weren't as they should. I wish she could've made an effort to try and work around things. I wish that the one she turned to in all of this was anyone but the one she did turn to. Anyone... I wish she hadn't walked out that door, running away, and turning her back on everything. I wish that this hadn't left me so damned alone, without that one thing that kept me breathing. That one ocean that gave me comfort, and showed me a sunken kingdom unlike anything else...

I broke.
Everything inside me finally gave in, and I crumbled. After a long year of so much up and down and constant movement, I couldn't take it anymore. I did make an effort to try and fix things, to at least salvage the friendship I needed the most, but all my efforts were hopeless. I didn't have the proper strength behind them, and I couldn't seem to properly put things down in front of her in a way that would make her understand. Everything just turned out wrong. And she even manged to leave me feeling like I'm the idiot at fault. It's a special skill of hers.. She probably doesn't do it on purpose, I certainly hope not, but she pins things down on me and make me feel like the fool. As if everything's my fault. And that's just too painful. I know that I am an idiot, I do, but I also know that for once I am not the one at fault. I didn't mess up. So when she makes me feel that way, it just makes everything so much worse. So I just retreated. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. I am done. I have nothing else to give. I love her, but my limit is reached.

Don't get me wrong. I am not ever turning my back on her. I will always be here if she ever decides to make contact for any reason. But I can't keep up a discussion about who did what and why, and keep up this endless fighting to make things work. I just can't stretch myself any further. All I wanted was for her to see what she had done, honestly regret it, and take responsibility for it. Stand up and face things. Face me. But she won't ever do that. She keeps digging out things I've done to try and drag me down along with her. It just destroys me. And she doesn't even see that...

I am the end of my rope. I've reached a rather steep cliff, and I can't keep going anymore. A part of me wants to die, just to be able to escape it all, but that's against my beliefs. All I know is that I can't keep on walking right now. So I'm gonna retreat and regroup, and hopefully try to build myself back together. It's gonna take a lot of work, and a pretty good sewing kit, but I pray that I'll be able to stitch myself back together. Either way, I'll be keeping a rather low profile both online and elsewhere for a while now. I need to focus on some private things that might be of help to me, so I won't make an effort to contact the world outside myself.
I need this.

Listening to Rimi-music is the only thing that keeps me from just jumping off that damned cliff these days. I'd give anything for a very long vacation...

*

Giving up and Giving in...?

Song of the Day:
"Running out of Days" - 3 Doors Down

I am so damned tired. All these ups and downs, back and forth. My head is turning into a complete chaos, and it's starting to wear me down rather badly.This is just too much for me..

They say life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard? Does everything have to be so damned difficult? How much shit do I have to go through before I can sit down and enjoy something good? How much longer do I have to fight before I can rest and let someone else do the fighting..?

Why does it have to be up to me to fix things, when she was the one who left?

I just want to lie down and give it all up. Just surrender everything. Just ignore everything and sail away into nothingness. I am so horribly tired of it all, and I honestly feel like I can't keep this up anymore. These weeks have taken such a heavy toll on me, and I just feel like I've been broken beyond repair. I've got no strength, no energy, no will to keep going. I am completely beaten.

I'm too tired.
Is life worth it all?
Is there really any reason to keep it up?
I can't see any right now.

I want to close the doors and windows, lock everything up, and throw the keys away. I want to fall down, and never get up again. And just cease to exist.

*

Stiching myself back together

Song of the Day:
"Kryptonite" - 3 Doors Down

I feel like I'm floating on something. I'm adrift somewhere. I really cannot properly explain the feeling in any other way. It's just strange. And I'm not too sure if it's good or bad. It's just.. I don't know.

Got some good news today. My ex isn't sick after all, and that made me very happy. I was very worried about her.. Of course, that means I'm not sick either, and that's good. But, I never really thought I was sick anyway, so.. :P
I've had a rather good day today in general. Got some old shoes fixed so I didn't have to buy new ones, and I got a new cellphone, on top of the good news. It's been good.

I am doing a lot better now. I've had the worst weeks ever lately, and I've been so down that I can't remember ever having been so down before, and I honestly thought that I would never find any reason to smile again. It's been worse than hell, for me at least. But now I feel like I am on the way back up again. I can see that even though this is hard to go through, it is not the end of the world. There are good things waiting up ahead, hopefully, and eventually the pain will go away. I'll be able to move on with my life, and perhaps find that perfect someone to share the rest of my life with. Someone who will love me for who I am, and fight to stay by my side no matter what.

I'm allowed to hope, aren't I?

Tonight I'm just gonna stay at home and enjoy a couple of beers and maybe watch some TV or play some playstation. I am planning a late dinner right now, and I'm looking forward to seeing the result of that. My skills in the kitchen are unmatched. And that's not a good thing.. XD But, hopefully it'll be edible in the end. Fingers crossed!

The rest of the weekend will be spent with my folks, cause they asked me to come over. It'll be nice to have some company for once. I think I need it.

*

Card-games and Masks

Song of the Day:
"So I need you" - 3 Doors Down

I went to see her today, and talk to her.

I've been thinking so long now, trying to see what went wrong here. I've considered the possibility that I was the idiot, and thought that through. I've seen it all from every angle my mind is capable of seeing, and now I'm done thinking.

For once in my life, I'm not the one at fault. I am an idiot, yes, but not the idiot that messed this up. I did try to fix things, but there is only so much I can do on my own. So I went to talk to her, and tell her how I felt and how things were. I told her how she had been treating me, both as a lover and a friend, during all of this, and I told her that I was tired of being the only one fighting. I have always given 140% of myself to her, and received nothing in return.. And now I am finally tired of it. I can't stretch any longer now. If she want things to work, even as friends, then it's up to her now. The effort must be made on her side, for once.

I told her I still love her, always will, and that I'll always be there for her no matter what, and that she knows where to find me if she needs me. And then I left.

I've done what I can now. I've played all my cards, put them down in front of her, so now I can't do anything but sit back and wait. See if I'm worth that effort from her side. If she cares enough to actually fight for me.

I have no idea if I am, to be honest... I don't know what she feels, or what goes through her head. I thought I knew. I thought I had seen the real her. But, obviously, she proved me wrong during these weeks. I've yet to see her true face. She has always been good with masks, it's her favourite game, so you never know which one she's hiding behind. And I don't know which mask she tried to show me today..

Right now, all I can do is try to move life forward and see what happens.

*

Religion Quiz - Going hindu?

So I took a little Religion Quiz today, just for fun, and got a rather surprising result.

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Religion/Connacht/which-is-the-right-religion-for-you-new-version/

You scored as Hinduism.
Your views are most similar to those of... Hinduism! Do some research on Hinduism and possibly consider becoming Hindu, if you aren't already.
With its origins in the Vedic civilization it has no known founder, being itself a conglomerate of diverse beliefs and traditions. It is the world's oldest extant religion, and has approximately a billion adherents, of whom about 905 million live in India and Nepal, placing it as the world's third largest religion after Christianity and Islam. Other countries with large Hindu populations include Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Malaysia, Fiji, Suriname, Guyana and Trinidad and Tobago.
Hinduism contains a vast body of scriptures. Divided as revealed and remembered and developed over millennia, these scriptures expound on a broad of range of theology, philosophy and mythology, providing spiritual insights and guidance on the practice of dharma (religious living). Among such texts, Hindus consider the Vedas and the U

Hinduism - 85%
Paganism - 75%
Satanism - 60%
Buddhism - 60%
Confucianism - 60%
Haruhism - 55%
Agnosticism - 55%
Atheism - 50%
Islam - 40%
Christianity - 30%
Judaism - 20%

"Dangerous Game" - 3 Doors Down

You stand before me now we stare eye to eye
Before another second clicks away one of us will die.
You reach for your metal as I reach for mine
The sound of bullets flyin' through the air, is followed by a cry
And they're cryin'

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

The young man lays alone but fastened to the ground
The sound of fleeing feet and a cryin' eye will be his last sound.
What did we gain from all of this? Now was it worth a life?
We've thrown all our hopes away and set our dreams aside.
Now we're cryin'

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

It's coming back to me, It's coming back to me

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

Long day - but a good one so far

Song of the Day:
"Around the World" - ATC

Damn, I've had a really long and hard day today.

I've been back and forth for 1 and a half hour trying to get some blood samples taken from me. The doctor I originally visited turned me down, despite the urgency of my case, so I had to go somewhere else and get help. In the end, after a lot of waiting and driving back and forth, I ended up at the lab at the hospital where they took my blood samples. So those will be shipped off and I might get a result in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed!

And all this was straight after work. -.-;

I'm pretty beat, to be honest. I can feel that I'm not 100% well these days, cause it doesn't take much before I'm out of energy. All of this back and forth and stress over those blood samples really made me feel like I've been running around the entire day without pause. >.<;
Though, honestly, I don't think I am sick. I think my body would've told me so if I was, and it haven't. It's feeling iffy, yes, but that's mostly because I've been so depressed lately. And I'm doing a lot better now.

I've been thinking a lot. Last night before I went to sleep, this morning on the way to work, and all day at work. A LOT of thinking.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm tired of fighting. I've done what I can, I've said what can be said, and I've made such a big effort, so now it's just not up to me anymore. If she wants things to work out, on a friendly level, it's up to her now. I've fought all that I can, and now I can't fight anymore. I'm tired of being the only one fighting.
And if she won't do it, then she doesn't care for me as much as she claimed and I hoped. A part of me wants to believe that she really cares, but if she doesn't then there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to find a way to make life go on and try to ignore how much I care about her. Eventually I'll be able to move on, hopefully.

Right now I'm in a pretty good spot. Had a good day at work, a lot of joking around with the other workers, and it made me feel better about things. Okay, so I'm alone right now, but if I'm truly meant to be alone for the rest of my life then I suppose fate would have placed me someplace in Sahara or something. :P And I know that I am protected and guarded. I gots my people around me, so I'm not gonna let this be the death of me.

Also, I've started my training again. Just small moments here and there, but I AM training my abilities. I think I can really get them up on a decent level if I just keep at it. I'm gonna try and get some training in every night before I go to bed, and then I'll see where that takes me. Who knows, it might even help me develop further than I thought possible. It certainly gives me a bit of an energy boost to train like this.

And I'm gonna try and see if I can find some decent roleplayers that can put together a D&D party so I can get into some real gaming again. That would certainly help on a lot of levels.

So yeah, good day so far today, and I hope this keeps up.

*

Am I really that wrong...?

My mum came over for a visit today, and I had another small breakdown. She told me she had gone to visit my ex and talked to her. And mum had told her to text me, just to at least preserve our friendship. I had a little ranting session after that, getting out some of the stuff I've gotten piled up. I guess I needed that. Mum really is the best support I've got..

Then, earlier this evening, she actually texted. Just a small text, telling me that she was thinking about me. That was a lot more than I thought I'd ever get from her, so I can't even begin to say how happy I was when I got that text.
But we texted a bit back and forth, and I told her I was angry with her, and she couldn't understand why. She just said that she did the best out of a difficult situation, and even though she could understand that I was hurt when she dumped me, I couldn't just turn her into a monster because of it. Just the fact that she didn't understand why I was upset, really hurt me.. And I said so, and told her I didn't want to take it over the phone, and after that I didn't get any more texts.

She thinks that I'm mad becuse she dumped me? Does she really think I'm that stupid? Yes, of course I'm hurt over the fact that she left me, but that's not why I'm so upset. It's HOW she did it that makes me so mad. She claims she have been honest and done what's best, but in truth all she did was run. And she haven't been honest with me. She told me so many times that she hated her ex, and couldn't stand to be near him, and that I was the most important thing in her life besides her son, while the truth is that she still loves her ex and was willing to drop me without a thought because of him. How can she claim to have been honest with me, when things turn out that way? I don't get it.

I'm hurt, and mad, because she hid the truth about him from me. Because she clung herself to him the way she did, right in front of me, and thought I'd be alright with it. Because she couldn't even take responsibility when I told her that wasn't alright, and didn't even talk to me about it until I told HER to come visit me so I could talk to her. Because she couldn't even stand up and face this when I confronted her, and just ran away instead like I didn't matter to her. Because I fought to make things work, and she didn't even try. Because she told me she just needed time to think, and didn't even contact me after that before my MUM told her to. Because she can't seem to make an effort to at least make a friendship work. That's why I'm hurt. That's why I'm upset. And that she can't even see how badly she have treated me, makes me even more upset.

I have a bad feeling that things won't be put right between us this time... She'll refuse to see that she did anything wrong, and blame it all on me just being upset over being dumped. And normally, I'd just accept that and pretend everything was fine, just to have her in my life. That's what I've done so many times before. Just bow and admit defeat, to keep the peace. But I can't do it this time. For my own sake, I can't just bow my head and accept being treated this way. I am not some toy that can be used and tossed away like nothing. Not anymore. And if she can't accept that, and see how she has treated me, then I guess I'm just not important enough for her. If she can't make that small effort for me...

She keeps talking about how she needs people to fight for her, to keep her, but when has she ever made an effort to fight to keep someone SHE claims she care about? When has she ever made an effort for MY sake?

I just wish she'd see, and understand, and care...

*

Late night thoughts

I just saw a rather good movie. I'm not a thriller person - I prefer not to think too much - and I usually only watch fantasy movies or pure action movies, but this thriller was a pretty good one. "The Number 23" with Jim Carrey in the lead. He's an awesome comedian, but he's damned good in serious movies as well. It's the third serious movie I've seen him in, and I've yet to be disappointed. He's a good actor.

It wasn't really the right type of movie for me to to watch right now, but I suppose it's better than staring at the wall. I really don't have anything else to do.

I had a rather bad breakdown today, and for a moment some pretty bad things went through my head that I'm not too proud of. Thoughts about how the world would be better off without me, and how good it would be to just escape it all. They were just thoughts, but they were there. In MY head. And that alone freaked the hell outta me.
And in the middle of it all, I stared at my phone and wondered if there was anyone I could call to try and get out of that breakdown. Someone I could talk to to get my head in on better things.
That's when it hit me, and it hit me rather hard; I'm alone. I don't really have anyone at all. Sure, I've got my parents and siblings, but that's it. No real friends I can talk to. I've got people I say hi to to on the street, and maybe stop and chat with. Small chatter about the weather and shit. Nothing more. I've got no one I can call when things get rough. No one I can tell anything and everything to. No one I can go out and have a drink with. No one I can text about the small silly things that go through my head from time to time. No one to discuss my latest gaming achievements with. No one I can invite over for a gaming session, or a movie, or just a dinner and some beers. No one I can truly call a friend.

That one person I had, the one true friend that meant more to me than the world itself, left me. Not only as a lover, but as a friend as well. She picked up her things and walked away, without looking back. She told me she cared, but if she really did then she wouldn't have just left. Not like that, at least.
I don't know, I guess I'm just really bitter right now.

But more than anything, I'm just really alone. And I hate it.

*

Dust settles - Cities turn to Sand

Song of the Day:
"Come Along" - Titiyo

Went shopping today, and brought back home a rather large bag of new stuff. I've never really been too fond of shopping, especially when it comes to clothes, but I got a couple of things I kind of needed and really wanted, so I can't complain. And it was nice being out of the apartment for a while. I suppose I needed it.

But I am feeling like shit today. So effin' depressed that I would like to take a small moment to find something hard and deadly to hit myself over the head repeatedly with. I seriously hate being this depressed. Can't even remember the last time I was this down. It really hurts...

I guess this means more beer and playstation tonight, and this time I've got pizza as well. Maybe that'll keep my mind off things for a while.

I hope so, at least.

*

The aftermath

Okay, I'm a bit hung over today. -.-

A good lesson to myself; don't drink when you're alone. Luckily, all I did was stay at home and play DC, so I suppose it's not the end of the world. But damn, I wish with all my being that I hadn't caved in to my drunkenness and texted her... I'm such an effin' idiot!

If I hadn't promised my mother that I'd meet her in town, I'd just hide in a corner for the rest of the day and just hate myself.

It's just hopeless...

*

Playing the Fool again

I know I'm an idiot on a regular basis, but when I drink I'm even more of an idiot. And I'm the unbeaten master of drunk-dialing. And it's not even that late.. -.-

So, I had one too many beers, and I texted her. Just a regular text, telling her that I was thinking of her and that I hoped she was doing well. And after a while, I got a reply that read "Likewise", and nothing else. How big of an idiot can I actually become? "Likewise"? That's it?

I really am the biggest idiot out there. Why do I even bother?
She doesn't care.
She's just happy she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

And now I'm just whining. Which means that I need another beer. And another one after that. You know, I think I need more than just a couple of more beers. I need a lot more. And then I'll need a bed, and in the morning I'll need something to kill me when I can't get out of bed.

I just want a pink cat right now.
That would make the entire world a better place.
Or maybe a gun, so I could shoot myself. That would also make it better.

*

Games, Beer and Women = Bag of Win

Song of the Day:
"Here by Me" - 3 Doors Down

I cleaned parts of my apartment today, go me. At least now the living-room looks pretty decent, and I have carpet on the floor. The office looks like a bomb went off though, since I just stuffed everything in there. I'll clean it out next week when I get the desk that's gonna go in there.

Meeting went well today. A lot of talking back and forth about my future plans and what I want to do about work. They told me that things should just stay the way they are right now so I get time to settle in, seeing as I just moved here and things have been kind of hectic for me. Suits me quite fine, really. I like my work.

I've got nothing else to add... My weekend will contain beer and playstation. Half-naked women would make it better, but two out of three ain't that bad. I do got internet, and a pretty nice painting on my wall, to make up for the lack of that third option. Woo.

And now --> Dark Chronicles and the 1st can of beer.

*

Too many thoughts - Sleep, anyone?

Song of the Day:
"Kjære fru Ottar" - Klovner i Kamp

Beer makes the world a better place. Or, it makes my head think the world is a better place, at least. And it makes for good company when gaming.
And I've been playing a good old game I really enjoy; Dark Chronicle.

It's not really that late, and I'm not really tired, but I've got an important meeting in the morning so I need to get my ass to bed. As much as I would like to continue this way of life where I ignore that there's a world outside my home, I really can't keep this up. I need to try and snap out of this miserable state that I'm in and focus on better things, and move on with my life. Even though I honestly don't want to right now..

I had hoped that this week would bring me better things, but as the weekend is closing in and life is still as shitty as it was last week, I'm more or less giving up on that hope. I really can't see any bright spots ahead of me at all. Yes, I know I am whining a lot, and drowning myself in self-pity, I'm not that much of an idiot that I can't see how much of an idiot I am, but right now I'm just really down. I gotta crawl out of this hole I'm in before I can see anything good, and at the moment I just don't have the energy or will to do any crawling. I'm just gonna stay in this hole for a while.

I've got that meeting in the morning, and then I might get a visit from an old friend (who's also an ex of mine), so tomorrow might be worth getting out of bed for. The weekend.. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it, to be honest. And on monday, I've got work and a visit to the doctor's to see if I can get some tests done. Yeah.. There's a chance I might be sick. Very sick. So I need to get checked up to see if I am. And even if I'm not, I might need to get regular check-ups for the next couple of years to see if I'm still all good or if I've gotten sick. Really a bright spot, eh? Well, worst case scenario; I die. But, I don't really think there's any chance of that. Even if I am sick, there are good chances of getting cured, so no real worries there. I'll be alright.

Either way, it's not the worst thing that could happen to me anyway.
At least not right now it isn't.

Well.. I better get my ass into bed. Or, rather, on the couch. I don't have a bed, only a sleeping couch. But I've taken a liking to it, as it's comfortable and easy to switch from couch to bed and back again. And I like sleeping in the living-room. And now I'm babbling. Yeah.. Sleep might be a good thing right now. I probably need it.

*

Staying afloat

Believe it or not, but the biggest kitchen idiot ever managed to make dinner. And not only was it edible, but it was good. I'm slightly impressed with myself, actually. Chicken and pasta, simple and good.

And also, I did the most intelligent thing that I have done in over a week today; I bought beer. So, right now I'm gonna sit down with a can of beer and my playstation and just try to relax for the rest of the evening.

Perhaps this'll make me feel a bit better about things.
I certainly hope so, at least..

*

Falling apart again

And this is how long I managed to get by before my head caught up to me and I fell down into the well of self-pity. I tried to make the day pass by shopping for groceries and working on some sketches I had lying around, but now I've lost my inspiration and I don't feel like doing anything at all. Why is it so damned hard to get through this?

I just wish I could've heard something from her. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she needed to think, and that she'd call me. That's about a week ago, and still nothing. I kind of feel like I've been forgotten. Am I really that worthless? Was that all it took for her to forget about me? If so, then perhaps I really am no use to this world after all, if I can't even make the woman I love remember me long enough to contact me instead of leaving me for dead.

I really want to pick up the phone and call her, but I'm so sick of being the one always making an effort. Why should it be up to me to contact her, when she was the one who told me she needed time? Why am I the only one fighting? Aren't I worth a fight? Do I really mean that little to her..?

I just... I just wish she'd care. We used to be friends at one point, and I'd like to get that back. If only she'd care about me, as a friend at least...

I guess I'm just not worth it..

*

The Gamers - Once a Gamer, Always a Gamer

I've just spent the entire first half of the day in bed watching The Gamers 2; Dorkness Rising. I laughed my head off through the entire thing. It's not as good as the first one, cause the original The Gamers will forever be the best gaming movie ever, but it wasn't as bad as people have told me. It was hilarious, and it introduced a female gamer. Gotta love gaming chicks.

www.deadgentlemen.com

The website of the people behind The Gamers. Certainly worth a visit. And the movies is a must to watch for every gamer out there. I am definitely saving up to buy both the movies on DVD, cause they NEED to be in my gaming collection.

But man, watching TG2;DR made me want to roleplay again. I haven't played D&D in ages, and I haven't been a proper player myself in years. I've been DMing so much, I've almost forgotten what it's like to be a regular player. I gotta see if I can put together a D&D party somehow, so I can do some real gaming again. Once a gamer, always a gamer. I'm starting to get withdrawals here!

Anyway, it was good to have something to laugh at. I originally planned to just stay in bed all day and do nothing but feel sorry for myself, but I feel a bit better now so I think I'll get up and go do some shopping. I suppose I have to dare venture into the area of dinner-making, and for that I need stuff to make dinner off. But, let's face it; I'll always be a worthless idiot in the kitchen. And now that I've been dumped, I don't have a beautiful girlfriend that can make me dinner anymore. Dang.

Where's those damned pants of mine..?

*

Pink Cats - Breathless and Lifeless

Song of the Day:
"Landing in London" - 3 Doors Down

Yes, I know I shouldn't stay like this. I know that locking myself in and ignoring the world, pretending that there's nothing but my own apartment and myself in the entire universe, is anything but healthy, but right now I just don't have the energy to do anything else. I honestly fear that if I do step outside, and partake in whatever the world throws at me, I'll just end up wishing myself dead. And that, I don't need.

I honestly didn't think this would break me as much as it did. I find myself to be somewhat surprised, truth be told. I do see myself as a semi-decent strong person, and a part of me always expected that she'd find a reason to leave me, and yet I am as down as I can possibly get. I can't remember ever having felt this depressed before. And that's just weird.

Of course, I can think of a couple of explanations for why this is killing me the way that it is. Randomly, pink cats. Yes, I know that's beyond logical and what any of my readers might understand - it's an inside thing - but trust me; it's what keeps me breathing. And right now I feel like I'm slowly being choked to death.

I know it won't kill me, but right now it just feels that way. And a small part of me wish that it would, so I could escape this. I really hate feeling this frozen.

*

New Week - Secrets and Sickness

Song of the Day:
"You Won't be Mine" - Matchbox Twenty

I had a brief visit at work today, just to let them know that I'll be staying home for the rest of the week. Yes, I am still very depressed and feel like staying in, but no that is not the reason for why I'm not attending work this week. I've managed to become sick, on top of everything. -.-; Aren't I the lucky one? Talk about a nice way to start the week.

So today I've stayed at home, just relaxing under a blanket with a game controller in my hands. And my head keeps on spinning with thought. I think I am starting to accept things. Slowly. I am gaining some clarity from just sitting here and going through things in my head. With the distance between us like this, I manage to see a lot of things I didn't see before. They aren't things I want to see, but I suppose it is for the better that I see them.

I am gathering quite a bit of content within my head, and it's starting to pile up. So much information, so many secrets. And no one to share it all with... I can see that this is causing me to close up my heart again, like I've done before, and it is making me cold and distant. I am keeping more and more things to myself, and I am getting more careful about letting people close to me. I've been hurt very badly, and I am not planning on letting that happen again.

My inner thoughts and feelings will stay with me, shared with no one. And I'll become lonely again. I know how this works now, I've gone through it before, so there are no surprises. It's just... Safe.

*