Going Down in Flames

Song of the Day:
"This Time" - 3 Doors Down

I think I need to see a doctor soon, for several reasons. I just can't keep this up any longer. Not on any level at all.

My body is falling apart on me now. Nothing's working as it should, and I am getting so damned tired of it. What bothers me the most is the lungs, cause I've never had any trouble with them before. Everything else I can deal with, cause I've been dealing with it all for so long that it's become a habit. But these issues are new ones, and they started earlier this year. And they're creating the nice topping on an already overly decorated cake. I'm just fed up with it now. There's too much. And I've been dealing with it on my own for too long, so maybe it's time I saw a proper doctor about it all. Maybe..

But I've got other issues, serious ones, and I think I'm in need of a different kind of doctor to help me get through this, cause I fear it is turning into an obsession. And it's killing me.

Everything, my entire world, and my life, is built around that ex of mine. I gave it a lot of thought today, and I believe this is more serious than I originally thought. I'm honestly afraid that this is an obsession, and it's a highly unhealthy one for several reasons. It scares me. And I really do not want to keep on living like this! I'm so damned unhappy, and I can't even function normally anymore, in any way. I just feel sick now..

I love her. With every fiber of my body. I'd do anything for her, even if it would destroy me. And I know that those feelings aren't answered. No matter how much I wish for it, she doesn't love me back, and I just end up playing the fool.

It's not that she doesn't care, cause I know she does. Just not in the way I want her to. But she has a way of treating me that breaks me. It's as if she only cares when it suits her. As if she only loves me when there's no one else she can focus her attention on, and that I'm only called in when there's no one else to call in. As if I'm just a toy for her... I know she doesn't mean to treat me this way, and act like that, and I know that in truth she does care for me as a friend. It's just the way she is that make it seem that way. But even though I am aware of that, it still breaks me. It still hurts.

I don't want to keep living like this, with this pain. Cause it pains me more than I am capable of expressing in words. I can't keep building my world around someone that'll eventually disappear from my life, and find happiness elsewhere. I am building a skycastle, and it's not the kind of home I need. It's not even the kind of home I want..

I'm just frustrated today.

A lot of things have been building up inside me for way too long, and finally it seemed as if my mood was in the right corner for things to finally blow up in my face. I'm on a serious meltdown right now, and I can't seem to get out of it.

I'm thinking about things I really shouldn't..

I'm just trying to find some sort of hope to hang on to.
I honestly wish things were different.
I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.
It's the only thing I want.

Damn it all.

And then there's that pathetic excuse of a life-form. If I could, I'd completely remove him from everything that can be called existence! I despise him in every possible way, for way too many reasons. He's a psychopathic idiot that doesn't deserve to breathe air at all.
Yes, I have issues with him.
Does it show?
I just can't stand him. He have done so much bad, and hurt her in so many ways, abused and tormented her in ways no one can imagine, and he broke her wings. I'll never forgive him for it. Her wings were never meant to be broken! The only positive thing that came out of that man, is his son. A creature I adore more than I'd like to admit... But that is the only good thing that man can ever brag about. If it was up to me, he'd be gone.

And even though her leaving me probably would've happened sooner or later, since she doesn't love me in that way, I kind of feel like it's his fault that it happened like this. It's that damned grip he has on her, that ripped her out of my hands. And I hate him for it. I can honestly say that he is the only living creature on this planet that I actually hate. And I'll always hate him.

Had things been different, I would've stopped this.
I don't know..
If she loved me, and wanted to spend her life with me, I would've done anything to stand between them. I don't care if he stood before me with a goddamn gun in his hand and threatened to shoot me, cause I'd never let him anywhere near her if that's what she wanted me to do.

I'm a highly territorial person, that I am aware of. When I feel like something or someone can be called my territory, I'll do anything to keep others away from it/them. I can even get violent if I'm in the right mood. And whenever I sense that someone is trying to move in on my territory, I can get pretty nasty about marking it as my territory.
But she always makes me so damned insecure... I'm too scared to mark her as my own, cause I'm always so afraid about what's right and what's wrong for her. She's the only person that can make me this insecure.
But had thing's been different, and I knew for sure that she actually loved me and allowed me to call her mine, then I'd be damned if he'd ever get close to her. I'd make sure he knew she was my territory, without ever saying so with pure words. But he'd know. And if he ever took even the smallest step over that line, then I'd be there to make sure he'd regret it.

But this was something I couldn't do. It wasn't my right. She made it quite clear that I am not hers in that way. And how could I get inbetween them when she was so quick to stick herself to him whenever he showed up? How could I ever protect her from him, when she kept running in his direction? She made it impossible. In the end, there's nothing I can do.
She keeps making excuses, but in the end that's all they are. Excuses. And I've come to the point where excuses doesn't mean anything to me anymore. They're worthless.

These feelings of mine won't ever be returned no matter how much I wish for it.

And that truth hurts more than a thousand lies..

In the end, I am just a worthless fool that runs around to entertain her. I sit and wait for her to give me attention, and I drop everything I have and run to her whenever she calls on me. Sometimes it even feels like she's aware of it, and is just taking advantage of me, but I know it's just my insecurity playing on my imagination. Or, at least I hope it is..

I don't know anymore.
All I know is that I am a pathetic fool.
And I wish with my entire being I could quit.

*