Rollercoaster

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here, but the truth is that I haven't really felt like being all that social with my own blog. Yeah, I know, it's completely ridicules, but I just haven't been feeling all that great lately.

My life is an emotional rollercoaster, and it has been that way for a long time. My mood is more up and down that it has ever been before, as far as I can remember, and I'm just generally feeling like crap. There's just too many things going through my head, and too many emotions running haywire in me...

I am feeling so horribly lonely these days. And not lonely in the way that I want company, cause in all honesty I really don't want people around me at all, but lonely in the way that I want someone to share my life with. I want to settle down. I want someone to love, who loves me back. Someone I can take care of. Someone that can breathe life into my fire, and warm the frozen parts of me. Someone to protect me from those parts of myself that destroy me...

I am tired of being hurt. Tired of people leaving me, rejecting me. Tired of feeling like no one is able to love me for who I am. Tired of being unhappy. Tired of being lonely.
I'm just generally tired.

It just feels like there is no room for me in this world. Like I am not meant to be here at all, and that there is no way I can ever find happiness here. I suppose it's just the voices in the back of my mind telling me all this, but that doesn't make the feelings it creates any less real.

The winter-depression is slowly killing me. I can't remember the last time it had such a serious grip on me, and it feels like it's slowly choking me to death. It's just getting worse every day, and it's honestly starting to worry me. It's sucking out all my energy, and it is starting to drain my physical health along with my mental health. How am I supposed to deal with this? I never know how to handle these depressions when they come and go. I just sit and get abused by them, and then I'm just left feeling like a used toy... And it's a feeling I've been given way too many times by both people and these depressions.

I don't know..
Nothing feels right anymore.
And there's nothing I can do to fix that.

*