Fallen Apart, but Still Standing

Song of the Day:
"Leave out all the Rest" - Linkin Park

I'm spinning.
I think.
I don't know..

I've been thinking about a lot of things, and reading through my old entries, and I've tried to piece together all the broken pieces of my mind. It's like a giant puzzle, but none of the pieces fit and the image on it looks like something taken out of a horror movie. It makes no sense to me. Maybe it's not supposed to make sense..

I see, from reading this blog, that a lot of the entries revolve around my ex. A lot of the pieces in the puzzle have her on them. I guess it's no big secret that I still love her. And that I'm not over her. And that I'm still bitter about things, if I take the moment to stop and think about it..
We're talking now. Staying on a friendly level, texting back and forth, almost being friends like we used to. We even got drunk together last weekend, and she stayed the night. Nothing happened, of course, but just having her that close to me really made my insides hurt in a way I never thought possible. I'm very happy that we're back to being friends again, but things still feel iffy inside me. It hurts being near her, and it hurts when she's not here. It just hurts no matter what I do.

Why does it have to hurt like this?

I am still going through things in my mind, as if that'll help somehow. I'm just trying to see if anything could've been done differently. But I don't think so. At least on my part..

I suppose the biggest mistake I did in all of this was to feel.
And I honestly did feel disgusted when my own girlfriend flirted and clung herself to an ex she claimed she hated. And I felt sick to my stomach when I tried to take it up with her and she made no effort to clear things up. Then I felt worthless as the days passed and I heard nothing from her while I knew she was spending all of her time with that damned ex of hers. And lastly, I felt completely crushed when I finally confronted her with things and she just left.

I made it easy for her, I really did. I told her that I didn't want her to act the way she did around him, flirting and clinging to him like that, when she was supposed to be MY girlfriend. It wasn't right. I wanted her to keep her fingers off him, but she said she didn't think she'd be able to do that as long as he was around. As long as he was a friend. So I told her to make the choice between being his friend, and my girlfriend. As simple as that. If she couldn't keep her hands off him, that's the way things had to be.
And she left.
She claimed she couldn't make that choice, but she made it either way. She left me. She chose to stay his friend, over staying my girlfriend. In the end, he meant more to her than I did. An easy choice, really...

I guess I'm just bitter because I wasn't worth more. And hurt because of the way I was treated.

And I'm also feeling uneasy, now that we can actually meet in town and walk around, when we meet other people she knows. And her mother. Cause I feel like they all see me as the bad guy in all of this. Like I was the one who mistreated her in some way. But I suppose there's nothing I can do about that. And it's not like she can go around saying "No, you don't have to feel sorry for me, cause I was the one who left." cause that would just be silly. I know I shouldn't really care about what other people think. They're her friends, and they will always protect her. That's just the way things are.

I guess I just don't want to take the blame for breaking things, when I was the one who tried to fix it..

But in all honesty, these things have been put behind me. I am only bringing them up here right now to get a proper overview on things. The actual break-up isn't an issue for me anymore, cause I've done a good job of getting over it and putting it behind me.

What I can't get over, and put behind me, is her.

I can't kill my feelings for her, no matter how hard I try. And believe me; I AM trying! It's not like I want to love someone who doesn't love me back. It's not like I take pleasure in feeling depressed when she's not around, and getting jealous over idiotic things and people around her, and hurt whenever I feel like she doesn't care as much as I wish she did. But I can't help it...

I can't sleep, cause I keep staring at the ceiling every night and thinking about her. Everything inside me lives and breathes because of that damned woman and the things she bring me! And I'm just a fool...

But my biggest issues in all of this, the ones that kill me over and over and over again every single minute of the god-damned day, are things so private that I can't even write about them in an anonymous blog like this. And it's those things that can make my body stop moving in the middle of the day, even if there are people around, and just hurt. It's those things that drag me down into the dark pit of depression when I'm feeling fine, and stabs me over and over again. It's those things that make me wonder if my life has any meaning to it at all...

The things that helped me breathe.
Without them, I am choking to death.

But I am trying to cope. I am pushing forward with all my might, hoping to find answers and solutions to the problems that just keep piling up on me, and I keep standing up even though I've fallen so unbelievably far down. I've been broken into a million pieces, and I still keep on breaking. I've fallen apart at the seams, and I still keep falling apart.
I'm dead.
But I am still standing.

I am still standing.

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