Late night thoughts

I just saw a rather good movie. I'm not a thriller person - I prefer not to think too much - and I usually only watch fantasy movies or pure action movies, but this thriller was a pretty good one. "The Number 23" with Jim Carrey in the lead. He's an awesome comedian, but he's damned good in serious movies as well. It's the third serious movie I've seen him in, and I've yet to be disappointed. He's a good actor.

It wasn't really the right type of movie for me to to watch right now, but I suppose it's better than staring at the wall. I really don't have anything else to do.

I had a rather bad breakdown today, and for a moment some pretty bad things went through my head that I'm not too proud of. Thoughts about how the world would be better off without me, and how good it would be to just escape it all. They were just thoughts, but they were there. In MY head. And that alone freaked the hell outta me.
And in the middle of it all, I stared at my phone and wondered if there was anyone I could call to try and get out of that breakdown. Someone I could talk to to get my head in on better things.
That's when it hit me, and it hit me rather hard; I'm alone. I don't really have anyone at all. Sure, I've got my parents and siblings, but that's it. No real friends I can talk to. I've got people I say hi to to on the street, and maybe stop and chat with. Small chatter about the weather and shit. Nothing more. I've got no one I can call when things get rough. No one I can tell anything and everything to. No one I can go out and have a drink with. No one I can text about the small silly things that go through my head from time to time. No one to discuss my latest gaming achievements with. No one I can invite over for a gaming session, or a movie, or just a dinner and some beers. No one I can truly call a friend.

That one person I had, the one true friend that meant more to me than the world itself, left me. Not only as a lover, but as a friend as well. She picked up her things and walked away, without looking back. She told me she cared, but if she really did then she wouldn't have just left. Not like that, at least.
I don't know, I guess I'm just really bitter right now.

But more than anything, I'm just really alone. And I hate it.

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