Retreating

Song of the Day:
"Behind Those Eyes" - 3 Doors Down

I am retreating for a while. I think I need it.

Life has been anything but good to me lately, and I've gone through too much shit. I've hit the wall right now, and I'm out of strength. I just can't keep this up.

The past year have been a tough one, with a lot of ups and downs. Life just haven't been standing still for even the slightest moment, so I haven't had the time to sit down and let things sink in. Huge changes have been all around me, with journeys and moving and new jobs, and my love-life have been a rollercoaster like no other. I really don't know what has kept me standing through all of this, cause everything inside me wanted to crumble a long time ago. Emotionally, mentally and physically, I've been stretched beyond limits of what I am supposed to be able to handle, all in the past year.
A rather bad depression hit me this spring, and I couldn't seem to understand what caused it. It was in a period where things were going rather well, and in the beginning of a very good relationship where I was very much in love. I had pink cats! So how I could suddenly feel depressed was beyond me. I couldn't see it then, but things were starting to catch up to me.
And during the summer, the depression struck with full force.
I hadn't had the time to let things settle, and allow myself to digest everything that had happened during the past half year or so, and my mind was far from able to deal with that. I felt like I was slowly spiraling down towards something extremely bad, and I was worried. I was depressed, things were falling down around me, and I couldn't seem to make things go round in many ways. Economically, I was pretty much fucked. On top of that, my health dropped drastically. My entire body just decided to fall apart, bit by bit, and I spent the entire summer trying to just ignore it all while hoping it would go away. I didn't seek out any help, nor did I even mention this to anyone, cause I wanted to show some strength for once. I wanted to be the one people could rely on, and come to when they were weak, but I couldn't be that person if couldn't even keep myself up. So I stood through it all by myself.

What kept me going was a good friend and a lover. I wanted to be a pillar of strength she could lean on, cause I knew she was going through a lot. And I knew that if I died, it would make things a lot worse for her. So I found my strength in those hidden sources I turn to when I need it, and I kept on pushing forward. I started a journal that I kept with me wherever I went, cause I know writing things down is always a good help for me. I'm not good with talking about my issues.. I prefer to write them down instead, and keep them to myself. I owe that journal a lot.
I really did push myself as far as I could.
Then things went horribly wrong. The one person I kept my strength for, left. And took away everything important in my life, and everything I kept going for. I wish.. I wish she could've talked to me the moment she saw that things weren't as they should. I wish she could've made an effort to try and work around things. I wish that the one she turned to in all of this was anyone but the one she did turn to. Anyone... I wish she hadn't walked out that door, running away, and turning her back on everything. I wish that this hadn't left me so damned alone, without that one thing that kept me breathing. That one ocean that gave me comfort, and showed me a sunken kingdom unlike anything else...

I broke.
Everything inside me finally gave in, and I crumbled. After a long year of so much up and down and constant movement, I couldn't take it anymore. I did make an effort to try and fix things, to at least salvage the friendship I needed the most, but all my efforts were hopeless. I didn't have the proper strength behind them, and I couldn't seem to properly put things down in front of her in a way that would make her understand. Everything just turned out wrong. And she even manged to leave me feeling like I'm the idiot at fault. It's a special skill of hers.. She probably doesn't do it on purpose, I certainly hope not, but she pins things down on me and make me feel like the fool. As if everything's my fault. And that's just too painful. I know that I am an idiot, I do, but I also know that for once I am not the one at fault. I didn't mess up. So when she makes me feel that way, it just makes everything so much worse. So I just retreated. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. I am done. I have nothing else to give. I love her, but my limit is reached.

Don't get me wrong. I am not ever turning my back on her. I will always be here if she ever decides to make contact for any reason. But I can't keep up a discussion about who did what and why, and keep up this endless fighting to make things work. I just can't stretch myself any further. All I wanted was for her to see what she had done, honestly regret it, and take responsibility for it. Stand up and face things. Face me. But she won't ever do that. She keeps digging out things I've done to try and drag me down along with her. It just destroys me. And she doesn't even see that...

I am the end of my rope. I've reached a rather steep cliff, and I can't keep going anymore. A part of me wants to die, just to be able to escape it all, but that's against my beliefs. All I know is that I can't keep on walking right now. So I'm gonna retreat and regroup, and hopefully try to build myself back together. It's gonna take a lot of work, and a pretty good sewing kit, but I pray that I'll be able to stitch myself back together. Either way, I'll be keeping a rather low profile both online and elsewhere for a while now. I need to focus on some private things that might be of help to me, so I won't make an effort to contact the world outside myself.
I need this.

Listening to Rimi-music is the only thing that keeps me from just jumping off that damned cliff these days. I'd give anything for a very long vacation...

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