Am I really that wrong...?

My mum came over for a visit today, and I had another small breakdown. She told me she had gone to visit my ex and talked to her. And mum had told her to text me, just to at least preserve our friendship. I had a little ranting session after that, getting out some of the stuff I've gotten piled up. I guess I needed that. Mum really is the best support I've got..

Then, earlier this evening, she actually texted. Just a small text, telling me that she was thinking about me. That was a lot more than I thought I'd ever get from her, so I can't even begin to say how happy I was when I got that text.
But we texted a bit back and forth, and I told her I was angry with her, and she couldn't understand why. She just said that she did the best out of a difficult situation, and even though she could understand that I was hurt when she dumped me, I couldn't just turn her into a monster because of it. Just the fact that she didn't understand why I was upset, really hurt me.. And I said so, and told her I didn't want to take it over the phone, and after that I didn't get any more texts.

She thinks that I'm mad becuse she dumped me? Does she really think I'm that stupid? Yes, of course I'm hurt over the fact that she left me, but that's not why I'm so upset. It's HOW she did it that makes me so mad. She claims she have been honest and done what's best, but in truth all she did was run. And she haven't been honest with me. She told me so many times that she hated her ex, and couldn't stand to be near him, and that I was the most important thing in her life besides her son, while the truth is that she still loves her ex and was willing to drop me without a thought because of him. How can she claim to have been honest with me, when things turn out that way? I don't get it.

I'm hurt, and mad, because she hid the truth about him from me. Because she clung herself to him the way she did, right in front of me, and thought I'd be alright with it. Because she couldn't even take responsibility when I told her that wasn't alright, and didn't even talk to me about it until I told HER to come visit me so I could talk to her. Because she couldn't even stand up and face this when I confronted her, and just ran away instead like I didn't matter to her. Because I fought to make things work, and she didn't even try. Because she told me she just needed time to think, and didn't even contact me after that before my MUM told her to. Because she can't seem to make an effort to at least make a friendship work. That's why I'm hurt. That's why I'm upset. And that she can't even see how badly she have treated me, makes me even more upset.

I have a bad feeling that things won't be put right between us this time... She'll refuse to see that she did anything wrong, and blame it all on me just being upset over being dumped. And normally, I'd just accept that and pretend everything was fine, just to have her in my life. That's what I've done so many times before. Just bow and admit defeat, to keep the peace. But I can't do it this time. For my own sake, I can't just bow my head and accept being treated this way. I am not some toy that can be used and tossed away like nothing. Not anymore. And if she can't accept that, and see how she has treated me, then I guess I'm just not important enough for her. If she can't make that small effort for me...

She keeps talking about how she needs people to fight for her, to keep her, but when has she ever made an effort to fight to keep someone SHE claims she care about? When has she ever made an effort for MY sake?

I just wish she'd see, and understand, and care...

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