Retreating

Song of the Day:
"Behind Those Eyes" - 3 Doors Down

I am retreating for a while. I think I need it.

Life has been anything but good to me lately, and I've gone through too much shit. I've hit the wall right now, and I'm out of strength. I just can't keep this up.

The past year have been a tough one, with a lot of ups and downs. Life just haven't been standing still for even the slightest moment, so I haven't had the time to sit down and let things sink in. Huge changes have been all around me, with journeys and moving and new jobs, and my love-life have been a rollercoaster like no other. I really don't know what has kept me standing through all of this, cause everything inside me wanted to crumble a long time ago. Emotionally, mentally and physically, I've been stretched beyond limits of what I am supposed to be able to handle, all in the past year.
A rather bad depression hit me this spring, and I couldn't seem to understand what caused it. It was in a period where things were going rather well, and in the beginning of a very good relationship where I was very much in love. I had pink cats! So how I could suddenly feel depressed was beyond me. I couldn't see it then, but things were starting to catch up to me.
And during the summer, the depression struck with full force.
I hadn't had the time to let things settle, and allow myself to digest everything that had happened during the past half year or so, and my mind was far from able to deal with that. I felt like I was slowly spiraling down towards something extremely bad, and I was worried. I was depressed, things were falling down around me, and I couldn't seem to make things go round in many ways. Economically, I was pretty much fucked. On top of that, my health dropped drastically. My entire body just decided to fall apart, bit by bit, and I spent the entire summer trying to just ignore it all while hoping it would go away. I didn't seek out any help, nor did I even mention this to anyone, cause I wanted to show some strength for once. I wanted to be the one people could rely on, and come to when they were weak, but I couldn't be that person if couldn't even keep myself up. So I stood through it all by myself.

What kept me going was a good friend and a lover. I wanted to be a pillar of strength she could lean on, cause I knew she was going through a lot. And I knew that if I died, it would make things a lot worse for her. So I found my strength in those hidden sources I turn to when I need it, and I kept on pushing forward. I started a journal that I kept with me wherever I went, cause I know writing things down is always a good help for me. I'm not good with talking about my issues.. I prefer to write them down instead, and keep them to myself. I owe that journal a lot.
I really did push myself as far as I could.
Then things went horribly wrong. The one person I kept my strength for, left. And took away everything important in my life, and everything I kept going for. I wish.. I wish she could've talked to me the moment she saw that things weren't as they should. I wish she could've made an effort to try and work around things. I wish that the one she turned to in all of this was anyone but the one she did turn to. Anyone... I wish she hadn't walked out that door, running away, and turning her back on everything. I wish that this hadn't left me so damned alone, without that one thing that kept me breathing. That one ocean that gave me comfort, and showed me a sunken kingdom unlike anything else...

I broke.
Everything inside me finally gave in, and I crumbled. After a long year of so much up and down and constant movement, I couldn't take it anymore. I did make an effort to try and fix things, to at least salvage the friendship I needed the most, but all my efforts were hopeless. I didn't have the proper strength behind them, and I couldn't seem to properly put things down in front of her in a way that would make her understand. Everything just turned out wrong. And she even manged to leave me feeling like I'm the idiot at fault. It's a special skill of hers.. She probably doesn't do it on purpose, I certainly hope not, but she pins things down on me and make me feel like the fool. As if everything's my fault. And that's just too painful. I know that I am an idiot, I do, but I also know that for once I am not the one at fault. I didn't mess up. So when she makes me feel that way, it just makes everything so much worse. So I just retreated. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. I am done. I have nothing else to give. I love her, but my limit is reached.

Don't get me wrong. I am not ever turning my back on her. I will always be here if she ever decides to make contact for any reason. But I can't keep up a discussion about who did what and why, and keep up this endless fighting to make things work. I just can't stretch myself any further. All I wanted was for her to see what she had done, honestly regret it, and take responsibility for it. Stand up and face things. Face me. But she won't ever do that. She keeps digging out things I've done to try and drag me down along with her. It just destroys me. And she doesn't even see that...

I am the end of my rope. I've reached a rather steep cliff, and I can't keep going anymore. A part of me wants to die, just to be able to escape it all, but that's against my beliefs. All I know is that I can't keep on walking right now. So I'm gonna retreat and regroup, and hopefully try to build myself back together. It's gonna take a lot of work, and a pretty good sewing kit, but I pray that I'll be able to stitch myself back together. Either way, I'll be keeping a rather low profile both online and elsewhere for a while now. I need to focus on some private things that might be of help to me, so I won't make an effort to contact the world outside myself.
I need this.

Listening to Rimi-music is the only thing that keeps me from just jumping off that damned cliff these days. I'd give anything for a very long vacation...

*

Giving up and Giving in...?

Song of the Day:
"Running out of Days" - 3 Doors Down

I am so damned tired. All these ups and downs, back and forth. My head is turning into a complete chaos, and it's starting to wear me down rather badly.This is just too much for me..

They say life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard? Does everything have to be so damned difficult? How much shit do I have to go through before I can sit down and enjoy something good? How much longer do I have to fight before I can rest and let someone else do the fighting..?

Why does it have to be up to me to fix things, when she was the one who left?

I just want to lie down and give it all up. Just surrender everything. Just ignore everything and sail away into nothingness. I am so horribly tired of it all, and I honestly feel like I can't keep this up anymore. These weeks have taken such a heavy toll on me, and I just feel like I've been broken beyond repair. I've got no strength, no energy, no will to keep going. I am completely beaten.

I'm too tired.
Is life worth it all?
Is there really any reason to keep it up?
I can't see any right now.

I want to close the doors and windows, lock everything up, and throw the keys away. I want to fall down, and never get up again. And just cease to exist.

*

Stiching myself back together

Song of the Day:
"Kryptonite" - 3 Doors Down

I feel like I'm floating on something. I'm adrift somewhere. I really cannot properly explain the feeling in any other way. It's just strange. And I'm not too sure if it's good or bad. It's just.. I don't know.

Got some good news today. My ex isn't sick after all, and that made me very happy. I was very worried about her.. Of course, that means I'm not sick either, and that's good. But, I never really thought I was sick anyway, so.. :P
I've had a rather good day today in general. Got some old shoes fixed so I didn't have to buy new ones, and I got a new cellphone, on top of the good news. It's been good.

I am doing a lot better now. I've had the worst weeks ever lately, and I've been so down that I can't remember ever having been so down before, and I honestly thought that I would never find any reason to smile again. It's been worse than hell, for me at least. But now I feel like I am on the way back up again. I can see that even though this is hard to go through, it is not the end of the world. There are good things waiting up ahead, hopefully, and eventually the pain will go away. I'll be able to move on with my life, and perhaps find that perfect someone to share the rest of my life with. Someone who will love me for who I am, and fight to stay by my side no matter what.

I'm allowed to hope, aren't I?

Tonight I'm just gonna stay at home and enjoy a couple of beers and maybe watch some TV or play some playstation. I am planning a late dinner right now, and I'm looking forward to seeing the result of that. My skills in the kitchen are unmatched. And that's not a good thing.. XD But, hopefully it'll be edible in the end. Fingers crossed!

The rest of the weekend will be spent with my folks, cause they asked me to come over. It'll be nice to have some company for once. I think I need it.

*

Card-games and Masks

Song of the Day:
"So I need you" - 3 Doors Down

I went to see her today, and talk to her.

I've been thinking so long now, trying to see what went wrong here. I've considered the possibility that I was the idiot, and thought that through. I've seen it all from every angle my mind is capable of seeing, and now I'm done thinking.

For once in my life, I'm not the one at fault. I am an idiot, yes, but not the idiot that messed this up. I did try to fix things, but there is only so much I can do on my own. So I went to talk to her, and tell her how I felt and how things were. I told her how she had been treating me, both as a lover and a friend, during all of this, and I told her that I was tired of being the only one fighting. I have always given 140% of myself to her, and received nothing in return.. And now I am finally tired of it. I can't stretch any longer now. If she want things to work, even as friends, then it's up to her now. The effort must be made on her side, for once.

I told her I still love her, always will, and that I'll always be there for her no matter what, and that she knows where to find me if she needs me. And then I left.

I've done what I can now. I've played all my cards, put them down in front of her, so now I can't do anything but sit back and wait. See if I'm worth that effort from her side. If she cares enough to actually fight for me.

I have no idea if I am, to be honest... I don't know what she feels, or what goes through her head. I thought I knew. I thought I had seen the real her. But, obviously, she proved me wrong during these weeks. I've yet to see her true face. She has always been good with masks, it's her favourite game, so you never know which one she's hiding behind. And I don't know which mask she tried to show me today..

Right now, all I can do is try to move life forward and see what happens.

*

Religion Quiz - Going hindu?

So I took a little Religion Quiz today, just for fun, and got a rather surprising result.

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Religion/Connacht/which-is-the-right-religion-for-you-new-version/

You scored as Hinduism.
Your views are most similar to those of... Hinduism! Do some research on Hinduism and possibly consider becoming Hindu, if you aren't already.
With its origins in the Vedic civilization it has no known founder, being itself a conglomerate of diverse beliefs and traditions. It is the world's oldest extant religion, and has approximately a billion adherents, of whom about 905 million live in India and Nepal, placing it as the world's third largest religion after Christianity and Islam. Other countries with large Hindu populations include Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Malaysia, Fiji, Suriname, Guyana and Trinidad and Tobago.
Hinduism contains a vast body of scriptures. Divided as revealed and remembered and developed over millennia, these scriptures expound on a broad of range of theology, philosophy and mythology, providing spiritual insights and guidance on the practice of dharma (religious living). Among such texts, Hindus consider the Vedas and the U

Hinduism - 85%
Paganism - 75%
Satanism - 60%
Buddhism - 60%
Confucianism - 60%
Haruhism - 55%
Agnosticism - 55%
Atheism - 50%
Islam - 40%
Christianity - 30%
Judaism - 20%

"Dangerous Game" - 3 Doors Down

You stand before me now we stare eye to eye
Before another second clicks away one of us will die.
You reach for your metal as I reach for mine
The sound of bullets flyin' through the air, is followed by a cry
And they're cryin'

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

The young man lays alone but fastened to the ground
The sound of fleeing feet and a cryin' eye will be his last sound.
What did we gain from all of this? Now was it worth a life?
We've thrown all our hopes away and set our dreams aside.
Now we're cryin'

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

It's coming back to me, It's coming back to me

What will we do? What will we say?
When it's the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble into the dust my friend?
Or will we start this game over again?

Long day - but a good one so far

Song of the Day:
"Around the World" - ATC

Damn, I've had a really long and hard day today.

I've been back and forth for 1 and a half hour trying to get some blood samples taken from me. The doctor I originally visited turned me down, despite the urgency of my case, so I had to go somewhere else and get help. In the end, after a lot of waiting and driving back and forth, I ended up at the lab at the hospital where they took my blood samples. So those will be shipped off and I might get a result in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed!

And all this was straight after work. -.-;

I'm pretty beat, to be honest. I can feel that I'm not 100% well these days, cause it doesn't take much before I'm out of energy. All of this back and forth and stress over those blood samples really made me feel like I've been running around the entire day without pause. >.<;
Though, honestly, I don't think I am sick. I think my body would've told me so if I was, and it haven't. It's feeling iffy, yes, but that's mostly because I've been so depressed lately. And I'm doing a lot better now.

I've been thinking a lot. Last night before I went to sleep, this morning on the way to work, and all day at work. A LOT of thinking.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm tired of fighting. I've done what I can, I've said what can be said, and I've made such a big effort, so now it's just not up to me anymore. If she wants things to work out, on a friendly level, it's up to her now. I've fought all that I can, and now I can't fight anymore. I'm tired of being the only one fighting.
And if she won't do it, then she doesn't care for me as much as she claimed and I hoped. A part of me wants to believe that she really cares, but if she doesn't then there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to find a way to make life go on and try to ignore how much I care about her. Eventually I'll be able to move on, hopefully.

Right now I'm in a pretty good spot. Had a good day at work, a lot of joking around with the other workers, and it made me feel better about things. Okay, so I'm alone right now, but if I'm truly meant to be alone for the rest of my life then I suppose fate would have placed me someplace in Sahara or something. :P And I know that I am protected and guarded. I gots my people around me, so I'm not gonna let this be the death of me.

Also, I've started my training again. Just small moments here and there, but I AM training my abilities. I think I can really get them up on a decent level if I just keep at it. I'm gonna try and get some training in every night before I go to bed, and then I'll see where that takes me. Who knows, it might even help me develop further than I thought possible. It certainly gives me a bit of an energy boost to train like this.

And I'm gonna try and see if I can find some decent roleplayers that can put together a D&D party so I can get into some real gaming again. That would certainly help on a lot of levels.

So yeah, good day so far today, and I hope this keeps up.

*

Am I really that wrong...?

My mum came over for a visit today, and I had another small breakdown. She told me she had gone to visit my ex and talked to her. And mum had told her to text me, just to at least preserve our friendship. I had a little ranting session after that, getting out some of the stuff I've gotten piled up. I guess I needed that. Mum really is the best support I've got..

Then, earlier this evening, she actually texted. Just a small text, telling me that she was thinking about me. That was a lot more than I thought I'd ever get from her, so I can't even begin to say how happy I was when I got that text.
But we texted a bit back and forth, and I told her I was angry with her, and she couldn't understand why. She just said that she did the best out of a difficult situation, and even though she could understand that I was hurt when she dumped me, I couldn't just turn her into a monster because of it. Just the fact that she didn't understand why I was upset, really hurt me.. And I said so, and told her I didn't want to take it over the phone, and after that I didn't get any more texts.

She thinks that I'm mad becuse she dumped me? Does she really think I'm that stupid? Yes, of course I'm hurt over the fact that she left me, but that's not why I'm so upset. It's HOW she did it that makes me so mad. She claims she have been honest and done what's best, but in truth all she did was run. And she haven't been honest with me. She told me so many times that she hated her ex, and couldn't stand to be near him, and that I was the most important thing in her life besides her son, while the truth is that she still loves her ex and was willing to drop me without a thought because of him. How can she claim to have been honest with me, when things turn out that way? I don't get it.

I'm hurt, and mad, because she hid the truth about him from me. Because she clung herself to him the way she did, right in front of me, and thought I'd be alright with it. Because she couldn't even take responsibility when I told her that wasn't alright, and didn't even talk to me about it until I told HER to come visit me so I could talk to her. Because she couldn't even stand up and face this when I confronted her, and just ran away instead like I didn't matter to her. Because I fought to make things work, and she didn't even try. Because she told me she just needed time to think, and didn't even contact me after that before my MUM told her to. Because she can't seem to make an effort to at least make a friendship work. That's why I'm hurt. That's why I'm upset. And that she can't even see how badly she have treated me, makes me even more upset.

I have a bad feeling that things won't be put right between us this time... She'll refuse to see that she did anything wrong, and blame it all on me just being upset over being dumped. And normally, I'd just accept that and pretend everything was fine, just to have her in my life. That's what I've done so many times before. Just bow and admit defeat, to keep the peace. But I can't do it this time. For my own sake, I can't just bow my head and accept being treated this way. I am not some toy that can be used and tossed away like nothing. Not anymore. And if she can't accept that, and see how she has treated me, then I guess I'm just not important enough for her. If she can't make that small effort for me...

She keeps talking about how she needs people to fight for her, to keep her, but when has she ever made an effort to fight to keep someone SHE claims she care about? When has she ever made an effort for MY sake?

I just wish she'd see, and understand, and care...

*

Late night thoughts

I just saw a rather good movie. I'm not a thriller person - I prefer not to think too much - and I usually only watch fantasy movies or pure action movies, but this thriller was a pretty good one. "The Number 23" with Jim Carrey in the lead. He's an awesome comedian, but he's damned good in serious movies as well. It's the third serious movie I've seen him in, and I've yet to be disappointed. He's a good actor.

It wasn't really the right type of movie for me to to watch right now, but I suppose it's better than staring at the wall. I really don't have anything else to do.

I had a rather bad breakdown today, and for a moment some pretty bad things went through my head that I'm not too proud of. Thoughts about how the world would be better off without me, and how good it would be to just escape it all. They were just thoughts, but they were there. In MY head. And that alone freaked the hell outta me.
And in the middle of it all, I stared at my phone and wondered if there was anyone I could call to try and get out of that breakdown. Someone I could talk to to get my head in on better things.
That's when it hit me, and it hit me rather hard; I'm alone. I don't really have anyone at all. Sure, I've got my parents and siblings, but that's it. No real friends I can talk to. I've got people I say hi to to on the street, and maybe stop and chat with. Small chatter about the weather and shit. Nothing more. I've got no one I can call when things get rough. No one I can tell anything and everything to. No one I can go out and have a drink with. No one I can text about the small silly things that go through my head from time to time. No one to discuss my latest gaming achievements with. No one I can invite over for a gaming session, or a movie, or just a dinner and some beers. No one I can truly call a friend.

That one person I had, the one true friend that meant more to me than the world itself, left me. Not only as a lover, but as a friend as well. She picked up her things and walked away, without looking back. She told me she cared, but if she really did then she wouldn't have just left. Not like that, at least.
I don't know, I guess I'm just really bitter right now.

But more than anything, I'm just really alone. And I hate it.

*

Dust settles - Cities turn to Sand

Song of the Day:
"Come Along" - Titiyo

Went shopping today, and brought back home a rather large bag of new stuff. I've never really been too fond of shopping, especially when it comes to clothes, but I got a couple of things I kind of needed and really wanted, so I can't complain. And it was nice being out of the apartment for a while. I suppose I needed it.

But I am feeling like shit today. So effin' depressed that I would like to take a small moment to find something hard and deadly to hit myself over the head repeatedly with. I seriously hate being this depressed. Can't even remember the last time I was this down. It really hurts...

I guess this means more beer and playstation tonight, and this time I've got pizza as well. Maybe that'll keep my mind off things for a while.

I hope so, at least.

*

The aftermath

Okay, I'm a bit hung over today. -.-

A good lesson to myself; don't drink when you're alone. Luckily, all I did was stay at home and play DC, so I suppose it's not the end of the world. But damn, I wish with all my being that I hadn't caved in to my drunkenness and texted her... I'm such an effin' idiot!

If I hadn't promised my mother that I'd meet her in town, I'd just hide in a corner for the rest of the day and just hate myself.

It's just hopeless...

*

Playing the Fool again

I know I'm an idiot on a regular basis, but when I drink I'm even more of an idiot. And I'm the unbeaten master of drunk-dialing. And it's not even that late.. -.-

So, I had one too many beers, and I texted her. Just a regular text, telling her that I was thinking of her and that I hoped she was doing well. And after a while, I got a reply that read "Likewise", and nothing else. How big of an idiot can I actually become? "Likewise"? That's it?

I really am the biggest idiot out there. Why do I even bother?
She doesn't care.
She's just happy she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

And now I'm just whining. Which means that I need another beer. And another one after that. You know, I think I need more than just a couple of more beers. I need a lot more. And then I'll need a bed, and in the morning I'll need something to kill me when I can't get out of bed.

I just want a pink cat right now.
That would make the entire world a better place.
Or maybe a gun, so I could shoot myself. That would also make it better.

*

Games, Beer and Women = Bag of Win

Song of the Day:
"Here by Me" - 3 Doors Down

I cleaned parts of my apartment today, go me. At least now the living-room looks pretty decent, and I have carpet on the floor. The office looks like a bomb went off though, since I just stuffed everything in there. I'll clean it out next week when I get the desk that's gonna go in there.

Meeting went well today. A lot of talking back and forth about my future plans and what I want to do about work. They told me that things should just stay the way they are right now so I get time to settle in, seeing as I just moved here and things have been kind of hectic for me. Suits me quite fine, really. I like my work.

I've got nothing else to add... My weekend will contain beer and playstation. Half-naked women would make it better, but two out of three ain't that bad. I do got internet, and a pretty nice painting on my wall, to make up for the lack of that third option. Woo.

And now --> Dark Chronicles and the 1st can of beer.

*

Too many thoughts - Sleep, anyone?

Song of the Day:
"Kjære fru Ottar" - Klovner i Kamp

Beer makes the world a better place. Or, it makes my head think the world is a better place, at least. And it makes for good company when gaming.
And I've been playing a good old game I really enjoy; Dark Chronicle.

It's not really that late, and I'm not really tired, but I've got an important meeting in the morning so I need to get my ass to bed. As much as I would like to continue this way of life where I ignore that there's a world outside my home, I really can't keep this up. I need to try and snap out of this miserable state that I'm in and focus on better things, and move on with my life. Even though I honestly don't want to right now..

I had hoped that this week would bring me better things, but as the weekend is closing in and life is still as shitty as it was last week, I'm more or less giving up on that hope. I really can't see any bright spots ahead of me at all. Yes, I know I am whining a lot, and drowning myself in self-pity, I'm not that much of an idiot that I can't see how much of an idiot I am, but right now I'm just really down. I gotta crawl out of this hole I'm in before I can see anything good, and at the moment I just don't have the energy or will to do any crawling. I'm just gonna stay in this hole for a while.

I've got that meeting in the morning, and then I might get a visit from an old friend (who's also an ex of mine), so tomorrow might be worth getting out of bed for. The weekend.. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it, to be honest. And on monday, I've got work and a visit to the doctor's to see if I can get some tests done. Yeah.. There's a chance I might be sick. Very sick. So I need to get checked up to see if I am. And even if I'm not, I might need to get regular check-ups for the next couple of years to see if I'm still all good or if I've gotten sick. Really a bright spot, eh? Well, worst case scenario; I die. But, I don't really think there's any chance of that. Even if I am sick, there are good chances of getting cured, so no real worries there. I'll be alright.

Either way, it's not the worst thing that could happen to me anyway.
At least not right now it isn't.

Well.. I better get my ass into bed. Or, rather, on the couch. I don't have a bed, only a sleeping couch. But I've taken a liking to it, as it's comfortable and easy to switch from couch to bed and back again. And I like sleeping in the living-room. And now I'm babbling. Yeah.. Sleep might be a good thing right now. I probably need it.

*

Staying afloat

Believe it or not, but the biggest kitchen idiot ever managed to make dinner. And not only was it edible, but it was good. I'm slightly impressed with myself, actually. Chicken and pasta, simple and good.

And also, I did the most intelligent thing that I have done in over a week today; I bought beer. So, right now I'm gonna sit down with a can of beer and my playstation and just try to relax for the rest of the evening.

Perhaps this'll make me feel a bit better about things.
I certainly hope so, at least..

*

Falling apart again

And this is how long I managed to get by before my head caught up to me and I fell down into the well of self-pity. I tried to make the day pass by shopping for groceries and working on some sketches I had lying around, but now I've lost my inspiration and I don't feel like doing anything at all. Why is it so damned hard to get through this?

I just wish I could've heard something from her. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she needed to think, and that she'd call me. That's about a week ago, and still nothing. I kind of feel like I've been forgotten. Am I really that worthless? Was that all it took for her to forget about me? If so, then perhaps I really am no use to this world after all, if I can't even make the woman I love remember me long enough to contact me instead of leaving me for dead.

I really want to pick up the phone and call her, but I'm so sick of being the one always making an effort. Why should it be up to me to contact her, when she was the one who told me she needed time? Why am I the only one fighting? Aren't I worth a fight? Do I really mean that little to her..?

I just... I just wish she'd care. We used to be friends at one point, and I'd like to get that back. If only she'd care about me, as a friend at least...

I guess I'm just not worth it..

*

The Gamers - Once a Gamer, Always a Gamer

I've just spent the entire first half of the day in bed watching The Gamers 2; Dorkness Rising. I laughed my head off through the entire thing. It's not as good as the first one, cause the original The Gamers will forever be the best gaming movie ever, but it wasn't as bad as people have told me. It was hilarious, and it introduced a female gamer. Gotta love gaming chicks.

www.deadgentlemen.com

The website of the people behind The Gamers. Certainly worth a visit. And the movies is a must to watch for every gamer out there. I am definitely saving up to buy both the movies on DVD, cause they NEED to be in my gaming collection.

But man, watching TG2;DR made me want to roleplay again. I haven't played D&D in ages, and I haven't been a proper player myself in years. I've been DMing so much, I've almost forgotten what it's like to be a regular player. I gotta see if I can put together a D&D party somehow, so I can do some real gaming again. Once a gamer, always a gamer. I'm starting to get withdrawals here!

Anyway, it was good to have something to laugh at. I originally planned to just stay in bed all day and do nothing but feel sorry for myself, but I feel a bit better now so I think I'll get up and go do some shopping. I suppose I have to dare venture into the area of dinner-making, and for that I need stuff to make dinner off. But, let's face it; I'll always be a worthless idiot in the kitchen. And now that I've been dumped, I don't have a beautiful girlfriend that can make me dinner anymore. Dang.

Where's those damned pants of mine..?

*

Pink Cats - Breathless and Lifeless

Song of the Day:
"Landing in London" - 3 Doors Down

Yes, I know I shouldn't stay like this. I know that locking myself in and ignoring the world, pretending that there's nothing but my own apartment and myself in the entire universe, is anything but healthy, but right now I just don't have the energy to do anything else. I honestly fear that if I do step outside, and partake in whatever the world throws at me, I'll just end up wishing myself dead. And that, I don't need.

I honestly didn't think this would break me as much as it did. I find myself to be somewhat surprised, truth be told. I do see myself as a semi-decent strong person, and a part of me always expected that she'd find a reason to leave me, and yet I am as down as I can possibly get. I can't remember ever having felt this depressed before. And that's just weird.

Of course, I can think of a couple of explanations for why this is killing me the way that it is. Randomly, pink cats. Yes, I know that's beyond logical and what any of my readers might understand - it's an inside thing - but trust me; it's what keeps me breathing. And right now I feel like I'm slowly being choked to death.

I know it won't kill me, but right now it just feels that way. And a small part of me wish that it would, so I could escape this. I really hate feeling this frozen.

*

New Week - Secrets and Sickness

Song of the Day:
"You Won't be Mine" - Matchbox Twenty

I had a brief visit at work today, just to let them know that I'll be staying home for the rest of the week. Yes, I am still very depressed and feel like staying in, but no that is not the reason for why I'm not attending work this week. I've managed to become sick, on top of everything. -.-; Aren't I the lucky one? Talk about a nice way to start the week.

So today I've stayed at home, just relaxing under a blanket with a game controller in my hands. And my head keeps on spinning with thought. I think I am starting to accept things. Slowly. I am gaining some clarity from just sitting here and going through things in my head. With the distance between us like this, I manage to see a lot of things I didn't see before. They aren't things I want to see, but I suppose it is for the better that I see them.

I am gathering quite a bit of content within my head, and it's starting to pile up. So much information, so many secrets. And no one to share it all with... I can see that this is causing me to close up my heart again, like I've done before, and it is making me cold and distant. I am keeping more and more things to myself, and I am getting more careful about letting people close to me. I've been hurt very badly, and I am not planning on letting that happen again.

My inner thoughts and feelings will stay with me, shared with no one. And I'll become lonely again. I know how this works now, I've gone through it before, so there are no surprises. It's just... Safe.

*

End of the Week - New one ahead

Song of the Day:
"Breathe" - Freak Kitchen

It has been a long day, and a lot of thinking. The entire weekend have given me a lot of room to think, and right now I feel like I am standing on the edge of something. I'm not sure wether it is a good or a bad thing, or if I should jump or not. All I know is that I am staring down at something that is now ahead of me. And it's difficult. My inside is chaos. I feel like I can't trust my head to tell me what's right and what's wrong, but I obviously can't trust my heart either as it led me down this path where I got so badly hurt in the first place. It's confusing.

I do know that I shouldn't be the fool. When that phone rings next week, I shouldn't just drop whatever's in my hands and come running like the idiot that I am. I need to learn to put some barriers down and say no, for my own sake. I know, no matter how much I want it to be different, the two of us aren't meant to be that way. All I earn from it is pain, and it leads me down a path that destroys me every time.
But it's easier to tell myself this when I am all alone, with just my thoughts and feelings, then to put the words into action when she is in front of me. I will always be a fool for her...

Maybe, in the end, we're better off as friends, if I can keep it on a friendly level. I might be able to live with things that way, as long as she doesn't go back to that damned ex of hers. If she allows him to take her again, it'll break me. He is not a good man, never have been and never will be. But she, just like me, is a fool. And fools never look before they leap...

I wish I could stop being that fool. I want to step into a new part of my path and become the magician instead. I want to take these new ideas and dreams that I have, and make reality from them. I want to take these bricks of mine and build my new home, properly, instead of just dreaming up a skycastle that will eventually fall down when the wind gets too strong. Can I do that?

It is the end of the weekend, and I've had the worst week ever. I don't want to relive that for anything in the world. I have no idea what next week'll bring me, but I am crossing my fingers and hoping for good things. I could certainly need something good in my life right about now. Now that my life has fallen apart, maybe it's time to rebuild and make something better. I'm set on that thought right now, at least, and I hope I'll still be set on it tomorrow morning.

Life goes on, or so I've heard.

*

Songs of the week gone by

"Loser" - 3 Doors Down

Breathe in right away
Nothing seems to fill this place
I need this every time
So take your lies, get off my case
Some day I will find
A love that flows through me like this
And this will fall away
This will fall away

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
Cause I'm a loser
I'm a loser, yeah

This is getting old
I can't break these chains that I hold
My body's growing cold
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul
Addiction needs a pacifier
The buzz of this posion is taking me higher
And this will fall away
This will fall away

You're getting closer
To Pushing me off of life's little edge
Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
Cause I'm a loser
Well I'm a loser

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
Cause I'm a loser

*

"Kryptonite" - 3 Doors Down

Well I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time
But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

And if I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

You call me strong, you call me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground

if I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

*

"Going Down in Flames" - 3 Doors Down

Don't tell me what to think, cause I don't care this time
Don't tell me what to belive, cause you won't be there
To catch me when I fall
But you'll need me when I'm not here at all
Miss me when I'm gone again, yeah

I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again, yeah
I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again, oh no

Don't tell me how life is, cause I don't really want to know
Don't tell me how this game ends, cause we'll just see how it goes
Catch me when I fall
Or you'll need me when I'm not here at all
Miss me when I'm gone again, yeah

I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again, yeah
I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again, yeah

Now, all the way down here I'm falling, all the way
All the way down here I'm falling, again now.
I'm falling down, I'm falling down, I'm falling down

I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again, yeah
I'm going down in flames
I'm falling into this again

Now, all the way down here I'm falling, all the way
All the way down here I'm falling, again now.
I'm falling down.

*

"Lackluster" - Saliva

Hey, and I'm falling away
And my skin's turning grey with time
Hey, and I'm dead in my grave
Why don't somebody tell why?
Cause I'm hopeless
and I'm stupid
and I'm helpless
and I'm useless
That's why I'm stuck in you

Hey, I am turning away from a soul
That you claim with desire
Hey, can I give you the pain?
Can you take it away just tonight?

I wish that we'd never gone this far
And I wish I could take it away
And celebrate how wrong you are

And no one can make me feel like you
(Like you, to be like you)
And no one can thrill me like you do
(Like you, to be like you)

Is it something in your head?
Is there pleasure to your pain?
Is it words that you didn't say
Or is it something inside me?

I wish that we'd never gone this far
And I wish I could take it away
And celebrate how wrong you are

And no one can make me feel like you
(Like you, to be like you)
And no one can thrill me like you do
(Like you, to be like you)

I can feel your fingers inside me
I can feel your eyes fixed upon me
I can feel your legs wrapped around me
I can feel your legs wrapped around me
I can feel your eyes fixed upon me
I can feel the heat from your body
I can feel the heat from your body

I wish that we'd never gone this far
And I wish I could take it away
And celebrate how wrong you are

And no one can make me feel like you
(Like you, to be like you)
And no one can thrill me like you do
(Like you, to be like you)
And no one can make me feel like you
(Like you, to be like you)
And no one can thrill me like you do
(Like you, to be like you)

*

Yes, the week have been a very depressing week, and a lot of 3 Doors Down. Hopefully next week will bring better things to my world.

*

Final Fantasy - A complete list of Games

NES/Famicom:
Final Fantasy FF II (Japan only)
FF I+II (Japan only)
FF III (Japan only)

Gameboy:
FF Adventure (in Japan, this was Seiken Densetsu: Final Fantasy Gaiden.)

SNES/Super Famicom:
FF IV Hard Type (Japan only)
FF IV Easy Type (released as FF II outside of Japan)
FF V (Japan only)
FF VI (released as FF III outside of Japan)
FF USA: Mystic Quest

Playstation:
FF VII (also released by Eidos for the PC) ~
FF VIII (just like VII, released on the PC; this time, by Square directly.) ~
FF IX ~
FF Tactics
FF Origins (contains remixes of I and II) ~
FF Chronicles (contains IV Hard Type)
FF Anthology (contains V and VI)
FF VI ~

PS2:
FF X ~
FF X International (outside of NA)
FF X-2 (sequel to X) ~
FF XI (online game) ~
FF XII ~
FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus

GBA:
FF Tactics Advance
FF 1+2: Dawn of Souls
FF 4
FF 5
FF 6

Gamecube:
FF Crystal Chronicles

Cellphone:
FF7 Before Crisis

Nintendo DS:
FF: Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates (Dec 06 release in Japan.)
FF3 ~
FF4 ~
FF12: Revenant Wings (unknown JP release.) ~
Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales

PSP (Playstation Portable):
FF 1 (20th Anniversary Edition)
FF 2 (20th Anniversary Edition)
FF7: Crisis Core ~
FF Tactics: The Lion War Dissidia Final Fantasy
FF13 Agito

Playstation 3:
Final Fantasy 13
Final Fantasy 13 Versus

Wii:
FF Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers

Non-Games:
FF: Legend of the Crystals (based on FF V)
FF Unlimited
FF: The Spirits Within
FF: Advent Children (sequel to FFVII) ~
FF: Last Order (prequel to FFVII. This is a short, 20-25 minute anime.)

*
This is a complete list of the FF games that I found when searching a forum. Just thought I'd share it. If you see some games missing, or you find something wrong with this list, feel free to leave a comment or contact me to correct this. Also, the ones with the ~ behind them are the ones I've got myself.