It's been several years since I last cried on new years eve. And back then I cried cause I had been abandoned and felt lonely. I wasn't alone this time. I had my family there with me, and we had a good celebration. I had my happy-mask on...
But after I went to bed, I cried. And I cried a lot. I hardly got any sleep at all... And when I got out of bed, I felt so tired and drained that I could hardly walk at all. I felt like I had been run over during the night. Can't even remember the last time I felt so tired..
Such a great way to start the new year.
I year I don't want to be a part of, at all.
I'm just so damned tired of keeping this mask on, trying to look as if I'm alright. I'm spending all my energy on pulling myself together for everyone else's sake, and showing up to dinners and appointments so I don't disappoint anyone. It's like I'm just living for everyone else around me, and not for myself. I haven't been living for my own sake for so many years, I hardly even remember what it's like.
I get up in the morning and go to work because I don't want the people there to have more work to do because I'm not there. I show up to appointments with people because I don't want to disappoint them or make them worry. I keep on living because I can't destroy my family by leaving them. It's all for everyone else.
I don't want to anymore.
Right now, I don't want to be alive at all.
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