...

Fuck it..

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. It's a little over 2 AM, I just got back home, and I'm somewhat drunk. I had a fucking breakdown while visiting my ex and having a couple of beers with her. Just a couple of beers, and I fucking break down and cry like a fucking idiot!

God!

I came back home, and I stared at the mirror for a long time, wondering who I was staring at. I felt so alien within my own body, like I really didn't belong at all. Is this me? Is this my body? Why?

And then I got another beer out of the fridge, turned on my computer, put my headphones on, and made myself a nice little playlist of music I really don't want to listen to, but that I feel I need to listen to.

It felt good, though, talking about my issues like that. She gave me the support I needed, and I finally got out a couple of the things that had been boiling up inside me for way too long.

But..

I don't know why, but right now I feel so god damned hollow and alone, and I can't stand it. I can feel something I can't explain, and it's making my entire chest hurt so badly that I'd do anything to make it go away. There's something hanging in front of me, somewhere, and I want it. I don't know what it is, but I want it so bad that it hurts!

I've been feeling this for a while now. This.. Something. It's hanging right there where I can see it. Yet, I don't even know what it is, or why I want it. But, I can't live without it. I want to reach out and grab it, and cling on to it for the rest of my life.

I'm breaking now.
Falling apart.

And I don't want to.

I want that something, that something that's hanging there, to come save me from this. I want it to reach out to me, and hold on to me. I want it to be here by my side, so I don't have to be alone anymore.

I want it to fix me.

Please.

Just fix me, damnit..

If you don't, then I'll die.

I'm already half dead..
And by the end of the night, I'll be gone.

*