Empty days...

So...

I've been drinking since I first got up this morning, sometime between 10 and 11. It's strange, but when you get drunk so early on the day, and you keep drinking steadily, you reach a state of being in between drunk and sober. I can't describe what it's like, but it feels extremely strange.

But I don't know if it's pleasant or not.

I've been altering between crying hysterically and just being apathetic the entire day, and at times I had to bolt myself down to the couch to not get up and find something to end it all with.

It's been the worse day so far.

And I've been entirely alone the entire day. I've been staring at the walls, crying to the ceiling, and I've found myself lying on the floor several times. And no one has been here with me. And neither have I had the courage to call someone to come help me... It's like it always is. I stand alone, cause I can't ask for help. I can't be that burden to people..

I'm all out of tears now.
The only thing I have left inside me is emptiness, and beer.
And there's a lot of beer.

That's the way things go when you drink all day.

But I know what's happening. I am seeing it very clear, cause at times I've felt like I've been standing outside of myself and just looked at it all. There's that one spot within my mind that's completely clear, and that knows I am heading down a dangerous path. But I can't stop myself. I can't reach down from this spot where I am watching myself and just grab hold of me. Make me stop. Make me snap out of it all. I can't...

I'm helpless in all of this.

I wish someone was here. Someone to grab hold of me and keep me safe, and protect me from myself. Someone that can anchor me down so I don't drift away into nothing. Someone to keep me here so I won't fade away from this world. I just want a reason to live.

Cause right now I have none.

*