Thinking again...

Fuck the entire world.
I'm sick and tired of it, and I don't even get why I bother to stay here. It's not worth it, really. I'm just miserable anyway.

Yeah, so, I'm just really not feeling so great these days...

I have a lot of things on my mind, and no real way to clean up the mess in there. I'm going from being so damned depressed that I completely fall apart, to being aggressive and slightly insane and impossible to control in a matter of seconds. I don't even know what's causing these swings anymore.

These days I'm feeling abandoned, and alone. I know it's a stupid feeling, cause there's no real reason for me to feel that way. Hell, it's been a while since someone last left me. 5 months, to be exact. So why do I feel like I've been abandoned? Thrown in the trash, like a broken toy. It's idiotic... But it's so bad right now, that I can't ask anyone for anything in fear that they might say no. Even the smallest rejection these days will make me fall apart.

Yeah, I know. There's a lot of issues I need to try and handle. There's a reason for why they locked me up in a psychiatric clinic for a while... I suppose I need some proper treatment, to try and solve things and become more stable.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things.

And right now I settled on her, again.

I miss those days when she'd wake me up, early in the morning, and make use of all sorts of tricks to get met to come with her when she delivered her son to kindergarten. I could be dead tired, beyond anything, and yet push myself up because I just couldn't say no to her.

But, it's not that I miss her being my girlfriend, not really. I just miss that feeling of belonging. The feeling of being someone that matters. I felt like I was a part of something, and that I was loved and cared for. I felt like I actually had a reason to be a part of this world. She always wanted to spend time with me, every day, and we were kind of glued together. I never had a moment of feeling lonely when she was around, cause she'd shower me in attention and tug at me to have me shower her in mine. And she told me that next after her son, I was the most important person in her life. The one she loved the most. I mattered. I was important. I belonged.

But that feeling's gone.

I went from being her number one, to being nothing. Just like that. She completely dropped me, like I didn't matter at all, both as a lover and as a friend. And she did it for a person she used to tell me she hated.

It's not that I want her to be my girlfriend - truth be told, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust in her that way again - so that's not the hard part about it all. It's just the way things got handled. The way she managed to just completely turn her back on everything she once told me mattered. The fact that I'm the one left worthless in all of this, and that I have to crawl and beg to get attention.

I know I'm just going around in circles inside my own head with all of this, and it's just ridicules. Everyone tells me I should stop being her lapdog, cause apparently that's how they see things. And I know I'm building my world around her, I'm not that blind. I know all of my focus and attention goes in her direction, because she's the one person that ever made me feel like I have a place in this world

And she's the only one who knows...

This makes it hard for me to just let go. It's the one thing that makes me happy, so how can I let go? It's not something anyone would ever understand, nor will I ever be able to tell anyone to try to make them understand.

I don't want her back. I just want the feeling of belonging back. To be back in that place where someone actually wanted to spend all of their spare time with me. To feel that connection, the thing that allows me to touch something nobody else even know exists.

Of course, we're friends now, and we spend time together. I still get to feel that connection every now and then. But I'm not important anymore. She doesn't come to visit me whenever she can. She spends all of her days doing other things, being with other people. Bluntly put, I'm not the center of attention anymore. And, me being me, so god damned insecure and with a dying need for affection, I actually need to be the center of someone's attention to feel that I'm loved. That I matter. So, yeah...

I just wish I knew what it felt like to have someone I cared about love me so deeply, that they'd do anything to spend all of their time with me. I've never even been close to knowing what that's like. I've always been on the other edge of it...

Damn it.

Leaving this world would solve all of my problems.
I'd give anything to be able to.

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