Empty days...

So...

I've been drinking since I first got up this morning, sometime between 10 and 11. It's strange, but when you get drunk so early on the day, and you keep drinking steadily, you reach a state of being in between drunk and sober. I can't describe what it's like, but it feels extremely strange.

But I don't know if it's pleasant or not.

I've been altering between crying hysterically and just being apathetic the entire day, and at times I had to bolt myself down to the couch to not get up and find something to end it all with.

It's been the worse day so far.

And I've been entirely alone the entire day. I've been staring at the walls, crying to the ceiling, and I've found myself lying on the floor several times. And no one has been here with me. And neither have I had the courage to call someone to come help me... It's like it always is. I stand alone, cause I can't ask for help. I can't be that burden to people..

I'm all out of tears now.
The only thing I have left inside me is emptiness, and beer.
And there's a lot of beer.

That's the way things go when you drink all day.

But I know what's happening. I am seeing it very clear, cause at times I've felt like I've been standing outside of myself and just looked at it all. There's that one spot within my mind that's completely clear, and that knows I am heading down a dangerous path. But I can't stop myself. I can't reach down from this spot where I am watching myself and just grab hold of me. Make me stop. Make me snap out of it all. I can't...

I'm helpless in all of this.

I wish someone was here. Someone to grab hold of me and keep me safe, and protect me from myself. Someone that can anchor me down so I don't drift away into nothing. Someone to keep me here so I won't fade away from this world. I just want a reason to live.

Cause right now I have none.

*

...

Fuck it..

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. It's a little over 2 AM, I just got back home, and I'm somewhat drunk. I had a fucking breakdown while visiting my ex and having a couple of beers with her. Just a couple of beers, and I fucking break down and cry like a fucking idiot!

God!

I came back home, and I stared at the mirror for a long time, wondering who I was staring at. I felt so alien within my own body, like I really didn't belong at all. Is this me? Is this my body? Why?

And then I got another beer out of the fridge, turned on my computer, put my headphones on, and made myself a nice little playlist of music I really don't want to listen to, but that I feel I need to listen to.

It felt good, though, talking about my issues like that. She gave me the support I needed, and I finally got out a couple of the things that had been boiling up inside me for way too long.

But..

I don't know why, but right now I feel so god damned hollow and alone, and I can't stand it. I can feel something I can't explain, and it's making my entire chest hurt so badly that I'd do anything to make it go away. There's something hanging in front of me, somewhere, and I want it. I don't know what it is, but I want it so bad that it hurts!

I've been feeling this for a while now. This.. Something. It's hanging right there where I can see it. Yet, I don't even know what it is, or why I want it. But, I can't live without it. I want to reach out and grab it, and cling on to it for the rest of my life.

I'm breaking now.
Falling apart.

And I don't want to.

I want that something, that something that's hanging there, to come save me from this. I want it to reach out to me, and hold on to me. I want it to be here by my side, so I don't have to be alone anymore.

I want it to fix me.

Please.

Just fix me, damnit..

If you don't, then I'll die.

I'm already half dead..
And by the end of the night, I'll be gone.

*

My new year

I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days, and I haven't showered in a while. I'm out of beer, and I'm out of money. The place looks like a mess, I'm a mess, and all I do is cry.

This is how the new year starts for me.

Why do I even bother?
Things would've been better if I just disappeared from this world, and never came back. It's the only thing I really want right now. To just leave...

*

2010 - a new year of crap?

It's been several years since I last cried on new years eve. And back then I cried cause I had been abandoned and felt lonely. I wasn't alone this time. I had my family there with me, and we had a good celebration. I had my happy-mask on...

But after I went to bed, I cried. And I cried a lot. I hardly got any sleep at all... And when I got out of bed, I felt so tired and drained that I could hardly walk at all. I felt like I had been run over during the night. Can't even remember the last time I felt so tired..

Such a great way to start the new year.
I year I don't want to be a part of, at all.

I'm just so damned tired of keeping this mask on, trying to look as if I'm alright. I'm spending all my energy on pulling myself together for everyone else's sake, and showing up to dinners and appointments so I don't disappoint anyone. It's like I'm just living for everyone else around me, and not for myself. I haven't been living for my own sake for so many years, I hardly even remember what it's like.
I get up in the morning and go to work because I don't want the people there to have more work to do because I'm not there. I show up to appointments with people because I don't want to disappoint them or make them worry. I keep on living because I can't destroy my family by leaving them. It's all for everyone else.

I don't want to anymore.

Right now, I don't want to be alive at all.

*