Time to take off

I'm staying up late again. And drinking.

It seems like all I want these days is to eat and drink. I stuff my face all the time, with food and candy or whatever else I get my hands on, and I'm craving alcohol from the moment I get out of bed. Like seriously craving it. I walk on my toes all day, wanting to grab a beer or something, and when I finally can I'm way too happy about it.

That can't be good.

And I think my parents are suspecting I'm having issues, cause my mother has started commenting on my drinking and almost refusing me to do so. Right now, I have to ask her if I can go grab a beer, and I'm 25 years old. And I don't even dare ask her, cause I'm afraid she'll think I'm having alcohol problems!

I so need to get out of here, and go back to my own apartment. In there I can drink without feeling bad, at least. I had to wait until everyone else had gone to bed before I could grab a glass of wine tonight. And I just feel horrible because of it..
I feel like I have to go behind my parents' back just to have ONE glass of wine. Or just ONE beer. Which is utterly ridicules! It shouldn't have to be this way!

So, I'm thinking that later this week, I'm packing my stuff and going back home again. Besides, I could use the time to myself, cause you really don't get much privacy when you're staying with your parents. Not that I mind, really, cause I love my family, but I prefer having total control of everything and feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want to. And I can't do that as long as I'm visiting someone else.

I'm not a people-person. I'm just not.
I don't like having people around me!

Well, that depends on the people, though.. There are certain people I like having around me, even for longer periods, that don't drive me insane. But those are rarities..

And right now, I don't really have anyone at all.

I couldn't be more alone.

I'm just glad I have a glass of wine right now, and I'm gonna buy at least a 6 pack of beers before I go home. I'll be fine then.

*

Christmas aftermath?

Song of the Day:
"Ambitions" - Donkeyboy

I'm drinking. Again. I'm doing that a lot lately, I've noticed. Like, every day. Should I be worried? I mean, it's not like I'm trying to get drunk. At least not all the time. It just kind of happens. Somehow.

I don't know...

I'm spending all my energy on keeping up a show for everyone, to have them believe I'm alright. I guess I'm good with masks myself... Cause I keep having one on every time I'm around people. A mask that tells them I'm smiling and doing fine, and even though I'm sick it's alright. I'm great!

It's a terrible mask.

I'm not doing so great. On any level. Yeah, of course I'm sick and all that, but it's really not that serious. Is it? I don't know. I've got no real answers from the doctor about my physical health so far. Just theories, and most of them are ones I'm making up myself based on the few things he's told me. Theories I'm clinging on to with every drop of strength that I have. I need it. You know? Some sort of stamp that tells me what's wrong, so I can start finding a cure. Or a way to handle things.
Or something...

I'm barely standing these days. Just getting up from a chair or a couch, or the bed, takes up so much energy that I almost faint before I'm half way there! Everything makes me tired, or dizzy. And my head hurts all the time. I feel like throwing up a lot, but I don't. And the chest, and how difficult it is to breathe all the time, is a real bitch.

And I complain a lot. See?
Though I try not to complain too much out loud. I think it's a pride thing. I don't know. But it's weird, you know. I love getting attention, so if I just fall over and cry about how sick I am then the attention would be all over me all the time! But I can't do that. I don't want to admit this defeat. I don't want to be the one asking for help. I don't want to claim that attention, especially when there are others in need of it. And really, do people need to waste their energy on my idiotic issues? No, they don't. So I shut up, and then they won't have to.

I can handle this on my own.

Well, no, really. I can't. I'm dying here on my own. I'm spiraling down, and I can see the ground coming closer to me, all too fast. When I hit that ground, I won't be able to stand up again. I'll be dead.

But, again, I can't go wasting other people's time on being selfish and demanding their attention for my problems. And I can't ask for help. I just can't.

What if I get rejected?

I can't. I'd die for sure if I was.

I've never been able to handle rejection very well. It's a huge fear I've had since my childhood, and it shapes all of my fears and phobias. And my life. I can't get rejected, and left. It destroys me. And these days, I can't even handle someone saying no to have a cup of coffee with me or something without breaking down. The tiniest little rejection, and I'm dead inside. Even more dead than usual, and that says a lot. I'm a mess.

I'm an idiot and a mess.

I can't stand up. I can't go out. I can't face the world. It kills me. But I do it anyway. Not because I want to, but because I have no other choice. Why? I don't know. That's just the way things are.

Stand alone, die alone.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. As I said; I'm drinking again. So I'm somewhat drunk. And I suppose I'm not making any sense at all. Maybe I should just go to bed.. Christmas eve is over now, after all.

They want to lock me up. No, wait, that sounds a bit wrong. Submit me? Something like that. I don't know.. There's a lot of things I don't know.

I'm just crashing.
Soon I'll be dead anyway. Somehow.
That's what happens when you crash, unless you have your seatbelt on.

A seatbelt would be nice..
That's what I should've asked for this christmas.

I'm such an idiot.

*