Song of the Day:
"What I've Done" - Linkin Park
Is there really any point in staying?
I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things, and now I am seriously starting to wonder if there truly is any place for me in this world. Should I even bother staying here? Cause right now, I don't really see any reason to.
All this world has brought me is misery and defeat, depression and hatred, loneliness and sickness. I am stuck within a body that is constantly ill, and its health just keeps on getting worse every single day. There is no end to the sickness, and I am getting tired of it all. And I am constantly depressed, which makes it even worse.
My closest friend and most trusted loved one chose the one and only being in the entire world that I actually hate over me, showing me that she cares more about him then she does about me. There is no one left in this world for me to live for.
The one thing in the entire world that I do live and breathe for is just beyond my reach, and will stay so for the rest of my life here in this world. I will never find happiness, and nor will I ever be able to tell anyone of the pain I have to carry for the rest of my life because of this.
Being here makes me feel like I am trapped within a place where I do not belong, and it makes me feel lonely every single second of the day.
In the end, all I can see is that there truly is no place for me here anymore. I have no reason to stick around. So that's why I keep wondering.. Why do I stick around?
Lately, I have found that I cannot answer that question.
And when I cannot answer a question like that, then... Yes, well the only solution I can seem to find is that I need to leave. I need to get away from this world, and the life I lead here. And so, I am finding myself deciding on doing exactly that.
My mind's made up.
I don't know when, or how, but I know that I'll leave.
Leave this world.
*
Feb 20, 2010
Feb 11, 2010
Thinking again...
Fuck the entire world.
I'm sick and tired of it, and I don't even get why I bother to stay here. It's not worth it, really. I'm just miserable anyway.
Yeah, so, I'm just really not feeling so great these days...
I have a lot of things on my mind, and no real way to clean up the mess in there. I'm going from being so damned depressed that I completely fall apart, to being aggressive and slightly insane and impossible to control in a matter of seconds. I don't even know what's causing these swings anymore.
These days I'm feeling abandoned, and alone. I know it's a stupid feeling, cause there's no real reason for me to feel that way. Hell, it's been a while since someone last left me. 5 months, to be exact. So why do I feel like I've been abandoned? Thrown in the trash, like a broken toy. It's idiotic... But it's so bad right now, that I can't ask anyone for anything in fear that they might say no. Even the smallest rejection these days will make me fall apart.
Yeah, I know. There's a lot of issues I need to try and handle. There's a reason for why they locked me up in a psychiatric clinic for a while... I suppose I need some proper treatment, to try and solve things and become more stable.
So, I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things.
And right now I settled on her, again.
I miss those days when she'd wake me up, early in the morning, and make use of all sorts of tricks to get met to come with her when she delivered her son to kindergarten. I could be dead tired, beyond anything, and yet push myself up because I just couldn't say no to her.
But, it's not that I miss her being my girlfriend, not really. I just miss that feeling of belonging. The feeling of being someone that matters. I felt like I was a part of something, and that I was loved and cared for. I felt like I actually had a reason to be a part of this world. She always wanted to spend time with me, every day, and we were kind of glued together. I never had a moment of feeling lonely when she was around, cause she'd shower me in attention and tug at me to have me shower her in mine. And she told me that next after her son, I was the most important person in her life. The one she loved the most. I mattered. I was important. I belonged.
But that feeling's gone.
I went from being her number one, to being nothing. Just like that. She completely dropped me, like I didn't matter at all, both as a lover and as a friend. And she did it for a person she used to tell me she hated.
It's not that I want her to be my girlfriend - truth be told, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust in her that way again - so that's not the hard part about it all. It's just the way things got handled. The way she managed to just completely turn her back on everything she once told me mattered. The fact that I'm the one left worthless in all of this, and that I have to crawl and beg to get attention.
I know I'm just going around in circles inside my own head with all of this, and it's just ridicules. Everyone tells me I should stop being her lapdog, cause apparently that's how they see things. And I know I'm building my world around her, I'm not that blind. I know all of my focus and attention goes in her direction, because she's the one person that ever made me feel like I have a place in this world
And she's the only one who knows...
This makes it hard for me to just let go. It's the one thing that makes me happy, so how can I let go? It's not something anyone would ever understand, nor will I ever be able to tell anyone to try to make them understand.
I don't want her back. I just want the feeling of belonging back. To be back in that place where someone actually wanted to spend all of their spare time with me. To feel that connection, the thing that allows me to touch something nobody else even know exists.
Of course, we're friends now, and we spend time together. I still get to feel that connection every now and then. But I'm not important anymore. She doesn't come to visit me whenever she can. She spends all of her days doing other things, being with other people. Bluntly put, I'm not the center of attention anymore. And, me being me, so god damned insecure and with a dying need for affection, I actually need to be the center of someone's attention to feel that I'm loved. That I matter. So, yeah...
I just wish I knew what it felt like to have someone I cared about love me so deeply, that they'd do anything to spend all of their time with me. I've never even been close to knowing what that's like. I've always been on the other edge of it...
Damn it.
Leaving this world would solve all of my problems.
I'd give anything to be able to.
*
I'm sick and tired of it, and I don't even get why I bother to stay here. It's not worth it, really. I'm just miserable anyway.
Yeah, so, I'm just really not feeling so great these days...
I have a lot of things on my mind, and no real way to clean up the mess in there. I'm going from being so damned depressed that I completely fall apart, to being aggressive and slightly insane and impossible to control in a matter of seconds. I don't even know what's causing these swings anymore.
These days I'm feeling abandoned, and alone. I know it's a stupid feeling, cause there's no real reason for me to feel that way. Hell, it's been a while since someone last left me. 5 months, to be exact. So why do I feel like I've been abandoned? Thrown in the trash, like a broken toy. It's idiotic... But it's so bad right now, that I can't ask anyone for anything in fear that they might say no. Even the smallest rejection these days will make me fall apart.
Yeah, I know. There's a lot of issues I need to try and handle. There's a reason for why they locked me up in a psychiatric clinic for a while... I suppose I need some proper treatment, to try and solve things and become more stable.
So, I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things.
And right now I settled on her, again.
I miss those days when she'd wake me up, early in the morning, and make use of all sorts of tricks to get met to come with her when she delivered her son to kindergarten. I could be dead tired, beyond anything, and yet push myself up because I just couldn't say no to her.
But, it's not that I miss her being my girlfriend, not really. I just miss that feeling of belonging. The feeling of being someone that matters. I felt like I was a part of something, and that I was loved and cared for. I felt like I actually had a reason to be a part of this world. She always wanted to spend time with me, every day, and we were kind of glued together. I never had a moment of feeling lonely when she was around, cause she'd shower me in attention and tug at me to have me shower her in mine. And she told me that next after her son, I was the most important person in her life. The one she loved the most. I mattered. I was important. I belonged.
But that feeling's gone.
I went from being her number one, to being nothing. Just like that. She completely dropped me, like I didn't matter at all, both as a lover and as a friend. And she did it for a person she used to tell me she hated.
It's not that I want her to be my girlfriend - truth be told, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust in her that way again - so that's not the hard part about it all. It's just the way things got handled. The way she managed to just completely turn her back on everything she once told me mattered. The fact that I'm the one left worthless in all of this, and that I have to crawl and beg to get attention.
I know I'm just going around in circles inside my own head with all of this, and it's just ridicules. Everyone tells me I should stop being her lapdog, cause apparently that's how they see things. And I know I'm building my world around her, I'm not that blind. I know all of my focus and attention goes in her direction, because she's the one person that ever made me feel like I have a place in this world
And she's the only one who knows...
This makes it hard for me to just let go. It's the one thing that makes me happy, so how can I let go? It's not something anyone would ever understand, nor will I ever be able to tell anyone to try to make them understand.
I don't want her back. I just want the feeling of belonging back. To be back in that place where someone actually wanted to spend all of their spare time with me. To feel that connection, the thing that allows me to touch something nobody else even know exists.
Of course, we're friends now, and we spend time together. I still get to feel that connection every now and then. But I'm not important anymore. She doesn't come to visit me whenever she can. She spends all of her days doing other things, being with other people. Bluntly put, I'm not the center of attention anymore. And, me being me, so god damned insecure and with a dying need for affection, I actually need to be the center of someone's attention to feel that I'm loved. That I matter. So, yeah...
I just wish I knew what it felt like to have someone I cared about love me so deeply, that they'd do anything to spend all of their time with me. I've never even been close to knowing what that's like. I've always been on the other edge of it...
Damn it.
Leaving this world would solve all of my problems.
I'd give anything to be able to.
*
Feb 10, 2010
Listening to the Rain
I feel so empty and hollow, and everything's so meaningless. I just feel abandoned, for no reason at all. It just hurts inside, and all I want is to put a gun against my head and pull the trigger. To make it all go away, and get some peace and quiet. I just can't deal with things anymore...
My own head is driving me insane. There are too many thoughts, too much chaos, and there's never a moment's peace! I can't control it, can't clean up the mess. It's just too much.
And the rest of me is just empty. Like there's no meaning at all, to anything. And I can't see why I keep this up. What's the reason? What's the use? There's just nothing there.
I can't stand this.
I'm still falling apart...
I can't fix this, I can't. I don't know how. Fuck those damned boxes, they don't help. They can't fix what's wrong. They don't even know what's wrong! It's all lies. Hallucinations. They're just trying to trick me. Blind me.
Fuck it, I'm losing it.
I'm going insane.
I can't be saved, can't be helped. The only thing left... Damn it. Just let me go, for fucks sake! Let me leave! Just kill me, god damn it. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to.
It's all just insanity...
*
My own head is driving me insane. There are too many thoughts, too much chaos, and there's never a moment's peace! I can't control it, can't clean up the mess. It's just too much.
And the rest of me is just empty. Like there's no meaning at all, to anything. And I can't see why I keep this up. What's the reason? What's the use? There's just nothing there.
I can't stand this.
I'm still falling apart...
I can't fix this, I can't. I don't know how. Fuck those damned boxes, they don't help. They can't fix what's wrong. They don't even know what's wrong! It's all lies. Hallucinations. They're just trying to trick me. Blind me.
Fuck it, I'm losing it.
I'm going insane.
I can't be saved, can't be helped. The only thing left... Damn it. Just let me go, for fucks sake! Let me leave! Just kill me, god damn it. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to.
It's all just insanity...
*
Feb 4, 2010
A minor update
Song of the Day:
Linkin Park - "Easier to Run"
I've been submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a while, and I just got back home again a couple of days ago. It's been extremely strange, and somewhat uncomfortable, and I swear to myself that I will never let anyone submit me to something like that ever again. Instead of getting some time away, I just ended up feeling I was locked up in a cage. Not quite the experience I was aiming for...
But yeah, this is how bad things have gotten lately. They had to get me submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a little while, cause I was just about ready to break apart.
I'm still breaking apart, but I'll admit that I am feeling slightly better about things. I have sorted out a lot of the mess I had in my head, and neatly organized it in labeled boxes, so now I know what problems I have and what I need to solve. I suppose I needed to figure out those things..
I'm still very depressed. I still feel like I have no will to keep on living, and no strength to keep going. But I have gained a determination, and somehow I am going to get through this shit. If only just to beat the rest of the world to death before I leave it.
~
I have too many things on my mind now, too many issues that needs sorting out. I am so extremely tired, and so sick of absolutely everything. I am carrying a pain inside me that no one will ever see or understand, and I know that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I wish I could take a very long vacation.
*
Linkin Park - "Easier to Run"
I've been submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a while, and I just got back home again a couple of days ago. It's been extremely strange, and somewhat uncomfortable, and I swear to myself that I will never let anyone submit me to something like that ever again. Instead of getting some time away, I just ended up feeling I was locked up in a cage. Not quite the experience I was aiming for...
But yeah, this is how bad things have gotten lately. They had to get me submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a little while, cause I was just about ready to break apart.
I'm still breaking apart, but I'll admit that I am feeling slightly better about things. I have sorted out a lot of the mess I had in my head, and neatly organized it in labeled boxes, so now I know what problems I have and what I need to solve. I suppose I needed to figure out those things..
I'm still very depressed. I still feel like I have no will to keep on living, and no strength to keep going. But I have gained a determination, and somehow I am going to get through this shit. If only just to beat the rest of the world to death before I leave it.
~
I have too many things on my mind now, too many issues that needs sorting out. I am so extremely tired, and so sick of absolutely everything. I am carrying a pain inside me that no one will ever see or understand, and I know that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I wish I could take a very long vacation.
*
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