Been a while..

It's been a long while since I managed to sit down and write anything in here, but there are reasons for that...

I can't be honest. I can't even admit to myself how things are, so how am I supposed to be able to write it all down? I am hiding behind this mask of mine, pretending things are good, and refusing to see the reality in things. I am closing off the world, and living inside my own.

I've been living with my ex for several months now. She basically ordered me to it, cause no one dared leave me on my own when things got so damned bad. They wanted to get me submitted again, but I refused. So I've been staying with her... It's really not a good solution, but it was the only one at the time. And for so long I've just been pretending that everything was good as long as I had her around. But I know this isn't good. She's growing tired, from taking care of both her kid and me, as well as everything else she needs to do. Sure, I help around the house and look after her kid, but in the end I'm just taking up way too much of her time and energy.

I am in the way, and I need to leave. Soon.

I've been looking at new apartments now, cause I'm moving out of the old one. It was too far away from town, which were a bad thing with my health being what it is. But, finding a new place to live, fast, isn't easy. They're all so expensive, and I have no money. And the ones that aren't expensive are so small that I can hardly fit my right foot in there. How am I supposed to fix this..?

I don't know.

All I know is that I am in need of a solution, and I am in need of it quick. I can't keep living on top of my ex like this, for way too many reasons. She's getting tired, and my entire inside is hurting from keeping things inside me the way I am. I just don't know what to do to find that damned solution...

I just wish something good could come my way soon.
After everything, I need it so very badly...

Song of the Day:
"So Magical" - ATC

I'm back on that edge again, that I've been trying to avoid for so many years. I am clinging on with every ounce of my strength, trying not to fall, and now I am stuck in between standing on the edge and falling off it.

It could go either way now, though I doubt I'll be able to pull myself up this time... I've never been this far over this edge before, and I'm afraid that I'll actually fall this time. That this is it for me.

No, that's a lie...
I'm not afraid that I might fall.

I already know that I'll fall, cause I'll eventually let go of that edge and just give in. Surrender to it all... And then, I'll be gone.

I already know.

The days pass by me, and I am standing on the sideline and just watching the world as it moves passed me. I am an empty doll, a mask covering my face.

I wear the mask whenever I step outside my own home. Every time I meet someone, talk to someone. Every time I answer my phone, or text someone. All the time... I'm behind this mask. No one knows. And no one will ever know. How could I ever tell anyone..?

I am getting good at pretending that everything's alright, and that I am managing. I'm good with the fake smiles, and the laughter. I'm not letting anyone worry...

Nobody will ever know.

No one will ever save me.

I'll face this end all by myself, like I always do.
All alone.

*

There's no one that can save me now.

I cry. I cry. I cry.

I can hear it inside my head, it's calling me. Talking to me. Telling me things I do not want to hear. I try to drown the sound with music, try to block it out with alcohol. It's not working. It's under my skin. Crawling all over me. My god, get it out, get it away. I don't want it.

Another bottle is empty, adding to the pile on the table. Drinking helps, though not really. I don't know...

I don't know what to do.

I want to kill you. I want you dead. I hate you so intensely, and everything about you. Everything around you. I just want to see your blood all over my hands, bathe in it. I want to drown in your blood...

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Help me.

Save me.

Kill me.

Just let me escape this!

I'm too used to sleeping in my own tears. I've carved out my insides, almost numb from all the pain. I can see the marks all over me, the ones no one else can see.

The voices won't keep quiet.

They're calling me to step over that edge, and enter that gate. I know what lies ahead, what's on the other side. I've always known, for so long. I hate it, but I crave it.

It hurts to breathe.

Always, always, always.

SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Make it go away...

Oh, god.. I can feel it tugging at me again. They're all around me, I can hear them, see them. Feel them. They're reaching into my mind, pulling at it. They won't leave me alone. Every day, they're here. Watching me. They're pulling, and waiting.

Waiting for me to fall apart.

I've already lost the fight, I'm on the way down.

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Come get me out of this! Come save me, bring me back with you. Keep me safe. Don't ever let go. Please. I just want to be saved.

Let's go to the bottom of the ocean, and stay there.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

It's empty.

I'm blind.

My tears taste like blood.

I try. Oh, my god, I try so hard. No one knows how hard I try. I stand up, and I keep standing. I fight so hard, every day, and no one sees it. No one knows. I try. I try. I try. I try. I TRY!!! God, I am trying with all my being! But I just keep getting weaker. I keep falling. I can't keep fighting... I lost this battle even before I started it. Why do I keep fighting?

I can see you. The cross, the moon, the star, the sun, the butterfly, the wolf, the lock, the balance, and my ocean... But you're so distant. I can't reach you. I can't even shout to make you hear me, make you see.

I'm all alone. I'm all alone. I'm alone.
And I'm dying.
Bleeding.

Crying.

It's all over.
I'm almost gone.
I won't make it.

There's no one here to save me.

When I'm gone, promise me that you won't let the world forget me...

*

Going numb

Song of the Day:
"Signal Fire" - Snow Patrol

I'm in so much pain, I've started to go numb.

I sit and stare out the window, seeing a beautiful weather outside and an entire world filled with all sorts of things, and I'm not even sad anymore. It's just some hollow emptiness, a numbness taking over the pain that has driven me for so long.

Everything's on automatic.

I get up early, spend all of my day working on the computer, making food if I get too hungry, and stare out that window. And I can't even feel anything anymore. It's just distance... Like I am sitting on the outside of the world, looking in through stained glass-windows. It's not my world, not my home. I don't belong there. So why should I even bother entering..?

I've started cutting my ties. Staying away from certain online sites where I know my life will catch up to me, and not contacting anyone at all. I've started ignoring the texts that tick in on my phone, and soon I'll come to the point where I won't even answer the phone when it rings. I'll just be dead to the world.

It's a world that doesn't need me.

It's a world where the one thing worth living for is beyond my reach, and I am left being dependent on the one person that allows me just a small hint of it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't stand it...

I can't keep this up anymore.

*

A place for me

Song of the Day:
"What I've Done" - Linkin Park

Is there really any point in staying?

I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things, and now I am seriously starting to wonder if there truly is any place for me in this world. Should I even bother staying here? Cause right now, I don't really see any reason to.

All this world has brought me is misery and defeat, depression and hatred, loneliness and sickness. I am stuck within a body that is constantly ill, and its health just keeps on getting worse every single day. There is no end to the sickness, and I am getting tired of it all. And I am constantly depressed, which makes it even worse.
My closest friend and most trusted loved one chose the one and only being in the entire world that I actually hate over me, showing me that she cares more about him then she does about me. There is no one left in this world for me to live for.
The one thing in the entire world that I do live and breathe for is just beyond my reach, and will stay so for the rest of my life here in this world. I will never find happiness, and nor will I ever be able to tell anyone of the pain I have to carry for the rest of my life because of this.
Being here makes me feel like I am trapped within a place where I do not belong, and it makes me feel lonely every single second of the day.

In the end, all I can see is that there truly is no place for me here anymore. I have no reason to stick around. So that's why I keep wondering.. Why do I stick around?

Lately, I have found that I cannot answer that question.

And when I cannot answer a question like that, then... Yes, well the only solution I can seem to find is that I need to leave. I need to get away from this world, and the life I lead here. And so, I am finding myself deciding on doing exactly that.

My mind's made up.
I don't know when, or how, but I know that I'll leave.
Leave this world.

*

Thinking again...

Fuck the entire world.
I'm sick and tired of it, and I don't even get why I bother to stay here. It's not worth it, really. I'm just miserable anyway.

Yeah, so, I'm just really not feeling so great these days...

I have a lot of things on my mind, and no real way to clean up the mess in there. I'm going from being so damned depressed that I completely fall apart, to being aggressive and slightly insane and impossible to control in a matter of seconds. I don't even know what's causing these swings anymore.

These days I'm feeling abandoned, and alone. I know it's a stupid feeling, cause there's no real reason for me to feel that way. Hell, it's been a while since someone last left me. 5 months, to be exact. So why do I feel like I've been abandoned? Thrown in the trash, like a broken toy. It's idiotic... But it's so bad right now, that I can't ask anyone for anything in fear that they might say no. Even the smallest rejection these days will make me fall apart.

Yeah, I know. There's a lot of issues I need to try and handle. There's a reason for why they locked me up in a psychiatric clinic for a while... I suppose I need some proper treatment, to try and solve things and become more stable.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things.

And right now I settled on her, again.

I miss those days when she'd wake me up, early in the morning, and make use of all sorts of tricks to get met to come with her when she delivered her son to kindergarten. I could be dead tired, beyond anything, and yet push myself up because I just couldn't say no to her.

But, it's not that I miss her being my girlfriend, not really. I just miss that feeling of belonging. The feeling of being someone that matters. I felt like I was a part of something, and that I was loved and cared for. I felt like I actually had a reason to be a part of this world. She always wanted to spend time with me, every day, and we were kind of glued together. I never had a moment of feeling lonely when she was around, cause she'd shower me in attention and tug at me to have me shower her in mine. And she told me that next after her son, I was the most important person in her life. The one she loved the most. I mattered. I was important. I belonged.

But that feeling's gone.

I went from being her number one, to being nothing. Just like that. She completely dropped me, like I didn't matter at all, both as a lover and as a friend. And she did it for a person she used to tell me she hated.

It's not that I want her to be my girlfriend - truth be told, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust in her that way again - so that's not the hard part about it all. It's just the way things got handled. The way she managed to just completely turn her back on everything she once told me mattered. The fact that I'm the one left worthless in all of this, and that I have to crawl and beg to get attention.

I know I'm just going around in circles inside my own head with all of this, and it's just ridicules. Everyone tells me I should stop being her lapdog, cause apparently that's how they see things. And I know I'm building my world around her, I'm not that blind. I know all of my focus and attention goes in her direction, because she's the one person that ever made me feel like I have a place in this world

And she's the only one who knows...

This makes it hard for me to just let go. It's the one thing that makes me happy, so how can I let go? It's not something anyone would ever understand, nor will I ever be able to tell anyone to try to make them understand.

I don't want her back. I just want the feeling of belonging back. To be back in that place where someone actually wanted to spend all of their spare time with me. To feel that connection, the thing that allows me to touch something nobody else even know exists.

Of course, we're friends now, and we spend time together. I still get to feel that connection every now and then. But I'm not important anymore. She doesn't come to visit me whenever she can. She spends all of her days doing other things, being with other people. Bluntly put, I'm not the center of attention anymore. And, me being me, so god damned insecure and with a dying need for affection, I actually need to be the center of someone's attention to feel that I'm loved. That I matter. So, yeah...

I just wish I knew what it felt like to have someone I cared about love me so deeply, that they'd do anything to spend all of their time with me. I've never even been close to knowing what that's like. I've always been on the other edge of it...

Damn it.

Leaving this world would solve all of my problems.
I'd give anything to be able to.

*

Listening to the Rain

I feel so empty and hollow, and everything's so meaningless. I just feel abandoned, for no reason at all. It just hurts inside, and all I want is to put a gun against my head and pull the trigger. To make it all go away, and get some peace and quiet. I just can't deal with things anymore...

My own head is driving me insane. There are too many thoughts, too much chaos, and there's never a moment's peace! I can't control it, can't clean up the mess. It's just too much.

And the rest of me is just empty. Like there's no meaning at all, to anything. And I can't see why I keep this up. What's the reason? What's the use? There's just nothing there.

I can't stand this.

I'm still falling apart...

I can't fix this, I can't. I don't know how. Fuck those damned boxes, they don't help. They can't fix what's wrong. They don't even know what's wrong! It's all lies. Hallucinations. They're just trying to trick me. Blind me.

Fuck it, I'm losing it.
I'm going insane.

I can't be saved, can't be helped. The only thing left... Damn it. Just let me go, for fucks sake! Let me leave! Just kill me, god damn it. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to.

It's all just insanity...

*

A minor update

Song of the Day:
Linkin Park - "Easier to Run"

I've been submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a while, and I just got back home again a couple of days ago. It's been extremely strange, and somewhat uncomfortable, and I swear to myself that I will never let anyone submit me to something like that ever again. Instead of getting some time away, I just ended up feeling I was locked up in a cage. Not quite the experience I was aiming for...

But yeah, this is how bad things have gotten lately. They had to get me submitted to a psychiatric clinic for a little while, cause I was just about ready to break apart.

I'm still breaking apart, but I'll admit that I am feeling slightly better about things. I have sorted out a lot of the mess I had in my head, and neatly organized it in labeled boxes, so now I know what problems I have and what I need to solve. I suppose I needed to figure out those things..

I'm still very depressed. I still feel like I have no will to keep on living, and no strength to keep going. But I have gained a determination, and somehow I am going to get through this shit. If only just to beat the rest of the world to death before I leave it.

~

I have too many things on my mind now, too many issues that needs sorting out. I am so extremely tired, and so sick of absolutely everything. I am carrying a pain inside me that no one will ever see or understand, and I know that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I wish I could take a very long vacation.

*

Empty days...

So...

I've been drinking since I first got up this morning, sometime between 10 and 11. It's strange, but when you get drunk so early on the day, and you keep drinking steadily, you reach a state of being in between drunk and sober. I can't describe what it's like, but it feels extremely strange.

But I don't know if it's pleasant or not.

I've been altering between crying hysterically and just being apathetic the entire day, and at times I had to bolt myself down to the couch to not get up and find something to end it all with.

It's been the worse day so far.

And I've been entirely alone the entire day. I've been staring at the walls, crying to the ceiling, and I've found myself lying on the floor several times. And no one has been here with me. And neither have I had the courage to call someone to come help me... It's like it always is. I stand alone, cause I can't ask for help. I can't be that burden to people..

I'm all out of tears now.
The only thing I have left inside me is emptiness, and beer.
And there's a lot of beer.

That's the way things go when you drink all day.

But I know what's happening. I am seeing it very clear, cause at times I've felt like I've been standing outside of myself and just looked at it all. There's that one spot within my mind that's completely clear, and that knows I am heading down a dangerous path. But I can't stop myself. I can't reach down from this spot where I am watching myself and just grab hold of me. Make me stop. Make me snap out of it all. I can't...

I'm helpless in all of this.

I wish someone was here. Someone to grab hold of me and keep me safe, and protect me from myself. Someone that can anchor me down so I don't drift away into nothing. Someone to keep me here so I won't fade away from this world. I just want a reason to live.

Cause right now I have none.

*

...

Fuck it..

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. It's a little over 2 AM, I just got back home, and I'm somewhat drunk. I had a fucking breakdown while visiting my ex and having a couple of beers with her. Just a couple of beers, and I fucking break down and cry like a fucking idiot!

God!

I came back home, and I stared at the mirror for a long time, wondering who I was staring at. I felt so alien within my own body, like I really didn't belong at all. Is this me? Is this my body? Why?

And then I got another beer out of the fridge, turned on my computer, put my headphones on, and made myself a nice little playlist of music I really don't want to listen to, but that I feel I need to listen to.

It felt good, though, talking about my issues like that. She gave me the support I needed, and I finally got out a couple of the things that had been boiling up inside me for way too long.

But..

I don't know why, but right now I feel so god damned hollow and alone, and I can't stand it. I can feel something I can't explain, and it's making my entire chest hurt so badly that I'd do anything to make it go away. There's something hanging in front of me, somewhere, and I want it. I don't know what it is, but I want it so bad that it hurts!

I've been feeling this for a while now. This.. Something. It's hanging right there where I can see it. Yet, I don't even know what it is, or why I want it. But, I can't live without it. I want to reach out and grab it, and cling on to it for the rest of my life.

I'm breaking now.
Falling apart.

And I don't want to.

I want that something, that something that's hanging there, to come save me from this. I want it to reach out to me, and hold on to me. I want it to be here by my side, so I don't have to be alone anymore.

I want it to fix me.

Please.

Just fix me, damnit..

If you don't, then I'll die.

I'm already half dead..
And by the end of the night, I'll be gone.

*

My new year

I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days, and I haven't showered in a while. I'm out of beer, and I'm out of money. The place looks like a mess, I'm a mess, and all I do is cry.

This is how the new year starts for me.

Why do I even bother?
Things would've been better if I just disappeared from this world, and never came back. It's the only thing I really want right now. To just leave...

*

2010 - a new year of crap?

It's been several years since I last cried on new years eve. And back then I cried cause I had been abandoned and felt lonely. I wasn't alone this time. I had my family there with me, and we had a good celebration. I had my happy-mask on...

But after I went to bed, I cried. And I cried a lot. I hardly got any sleep at all... And when I got out of bed, I felt so tired and drained that I could hardly walk at all. I felt like I had been run over during the night. Can't even remember the last time I felt so tired..

Such a great way to start the new year.
I year I don't want to be a part of, at all.

I'm just so damned tired of keeping this mask on, trying to look as if I'm alright. I'm spending all my energy on pulling myself together for everyone else's sake, and showing up to dinners and appointments so I don't disappoint anyone. It's like I'm just living for everyone else around me, and not for myself. I haven't been living for my own sake for so many years, I hardly even remember what it's like.
I get up in the morning and go to work because I don't want the people there to have more work to do because I'm not there. I show up to appointments with people because I don't want to disappoint them or make them worry. I keep on living because I can't destroy my family by leaving them. It's all for everyone else.

I don't want to anymore.

Right now, I don't want to be alive at all.

*