Song of the Day:
"So Magical" - ATC

I'm back on that edge again, that I've been trying to avoid for so many years. I am clinging on with every ounce of my strength, trying not to fall, and now I am stuck in between standing on the edge and falling off it.

It could go either way now, though I doubt I'll be able to pull myself up this time... I've never been this far over this edge before, and I'm afraid that I'll actually fall this time. That this is it for me.

No, that's a lie...
I'm not afraid that I might fall.

I already know that I'll fall, cause I'll eventually let go of that edge and just give in. Surrender to it all... And then, I'll be gone.

I already know.

The days pass by me, and I am standing on the sideline and just watching the world as it moves passed me. I am an empty doll, a mask covering my face.

I wear the mask whenever I step outside my own home. Every time I meet someone, talk to someone. Every time I answer my phone, or text someone. All the time... I'm behind this mask. No one knows. And no one will ever know. How could I ever tell anyone..?

I am getting good at pretending that everything's alright, and that I am managing. I'm good with the fake smiles, and the laughter. I'm not letting anyone worry...

Nobody will ever know.

No one will ever save me.

I'll face this end all by myself, like I always do.
All alone.

*

There's no one that can save me now.

I cry. I cry. I cry.

I can hear it inside my head, it's calling me. Talking to me. Telling me things I do not want to hear. I try to drown the sound with music, try to block it out with alcohol. It's not working. It's under my skin. Crawling all over me. My god, get it out, get it away. I don't want it.

Another bottle is empty, adding to the pile on the table. Drinking helps, though not really. I don't know...

I don't know what to do.

I want to kill you. I want you dead. I hate you so intensely, and everything about you. Everything around you. I just want to see your blood all over my hands, bathe in it. I want to drown in your blood...

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Help me.

Save me.

Kill me.

Just let me escape this!

I'm too used to sleeping in my own tears. I've carved out my insides, almost numb from all the pain. I can see the marks all over me, the ones no one else can see.

The voices won't keep quiet.

They're calling me to step over that edge, and enter that gate. I know what lies ahead, what's on the other side. I've always known, for so long. I hate it, but I crave it.

It hurts to breathe.

Always, always, always.

SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Make it go away...

Oh, god.. I can feel it tugging at me again. They're all around me, I can hear them, see them. Feel them. They're reaching into my mind, pulling at it. They won't leave me alone. Every day, they're here. Watching me. They're pulling, and waiting.

Waiting for me to fall apart.

I've already lost the fight, I'm on the way down.

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Come get me out of this! Come save me, bring me back with you. Keep me safe. Don't ever let go. Please. I just want to be saved.

Let's go to the bottom of the ocean, and stay there.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

It's empty.

I'm blind.

My tears taste like blood.

I try. Oh, my god, I try so hard. No one knows how hard I try. I stand up, and I keep standing. I fight so hard, every day, and no one sees it. No one knows. I try. I try. I try. I try. I TRY!!! God, I am trying with all my being! But I just keep getting weaker. I keep falling. I can't keep fighting... I lost this battle even before I started it. Why do I keep fighting?

I can see you. The cross, the moon, the star, the sun, the butterfly, the wolf, the lock, the balance, and my ocean... But you're so distant. I can't reach you. I can't even shout to make you hear me, make you see.

I'm all alone. I'm all alone. I'm alone.
And I'm dying.
Bleeding.

Crying.

It's all over.
I'm almost gone.
I won't make it.

There's no one here to save me.

When I'm gone, promise me that you won't let the world forget me...

*

Going numb

Song of the Day:
"Signal Fire" - Snow Patrol

I'm in so much pain, I've started to go numb.

I sit and stare out the window, seeing a beautiful weather outside and an entire world filled with all sorts of things, and I'm not even sad anymore. It's just some hollow emptiness, a numbness taking over the pain that has driven me for so long.

Everything's on automatic.

I get up early, spend all of my day working on the computer, making food if I get too hungry, and stare out that window. And I can't even feel anything anymore. It's just distance... Like I am sitting on the outside of the world, looking in through stained glass-windows. It's not my world, not my home. I don't belong there. So why should I even bother entering..?

I've started cutting my ties. Staying away from certain online sites where I know my life will catch up to me, and not contacting anyone at all. I've started ignoring the texts that tick in on my phone, and soon I'll come to the point where I won't even answer the phone when it rings. I'll just be dead to the world.

It's a world that doesn't need me.

It's a world where the one thing worth living for is beyond my reach, and I am left being dependent on the one person that allows me just a small hint of it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't stand it...

I can't keep this up anymore.

*