Going Down in Flames

Song of the Day:
"This Time" - 3 Doors Down

I think I need to see a doctor soon, for several reasons. I just can't keep this up any longer. Not on any level at all.

My body is falling apart on me now. Nothing's working as it should, and I am getting so damned tired of it. What bothers me the most is the lungs, cause I've never had any trouble with them before. Everything else I can deal with, cause I've been dealing with it all for so long that it's become a habit. But these issues are new ones, and they started earlier this year. And they're creating the nice topping on an already overly decorated cake. I'm just fed up with it now. There's too much. And I've been dealing with it on my own for too long, so maybe it's time I saw a proper doctor about it all. Maybe..

But I've got other issues, serious ones, and I think I'm in need of a different kind of doctor to help me get through this, cause I fear it is turning into an obsession. And it's killing me.

Everything, my entire world, and my life, is built around that ex of mine. I gave it a lot of thought today, and I believe this is more serious than I originally thought. I'm honestly afraid that this is an obsession, and it's a highly unhealthy one for several reasons. It scares me. And I really do not want to keep on living like this! I'm so damned unhappy, and I can't even function normally anymore, in any way. I just feel sick now..

I love her. With every fiber of my body. I'd do anything for her, even if it would destroy me. And I know that those feelings aren't answered. No matter how much I wish for it, she doesn't love me back, and I just end up playing the fool.

It's not that she doesn't care, cause I know she does. Just not in the way I want her to. But she has a way of treating me that breaks me. It's as if she only cares when it suits her. As if she only loves me when there's no one else she can focus her attention on, and that I'm only called in when there's no one else to call in. As if I'm just a toy for her... I know she doesn't mean to treat me this way, and act like that, and I know that in truth she does care for me as a friend. It's just the way she is that make it seem that way. But even though I am aware of that, it still breaks me. It still hurts.

I don't want to keep living like this, with this pain. Cause it pains me more than I am capable of expressing in words. I can't keep building my world around someone that'll eventually disappear from my life, and find happiness elsewhere. I am building a skycastle, and it's not the kind of home I need. It's not even the kind of home I want..

I'm just frustrated today.

A lot of things have been building up inside me for way too long, and finally it seemed as if my mood was in the right corner for things to finally blow up in my face. I'm on a serious meltdown right now, and I can't seem to get out of it.

I'm thinking about things I really shouldn't..

I'm just trying to find some sort of hope to hang on to.
I honestly wish things were different.
I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.
It's the only thing I want.

Damn it all.

And then there's that pathetic excuse of a life-form. If I could, I'd completely remove him from everything that can be called existence! I despise him in every possible way, for way too many reasons. He's a psychopathic idiot that doesn't deserve to breathe air at all.
Yes, I have issues with him.
Does it show?
I just can't stand him. He have done so much bad, and hurt her in so many ways, abused and tormented her in ways no one can imagine, and he broke her wings. I'll never forgive him for it. Her wings were never meant to be broken! The only positive thing that came out of that man, is his son. A creature I adore more than I'd like to admit... But that is the only good thing that man can ever brag about. If it was up to me, he'd be gone.

And even though her leaving me probably would've happened sooner or later, since she doesn't love me in that way, I kind of feel like it's his fault that it happened like this. It's that damned grip he has on her, that ripped her out of my hands. And I hate him for it. I can honestly say that he is the only living creature on this planet that I actually hate. And I'll always hate him.

Had things been different, I would've stopped this.
I don't know..
If she loved me, and wanted to spend her life with me, I would've done anything to stand between them. I don't care if he stood before me with a goddamn gun in his hand and threatened to shoot me, cause I'd never let him anywhere near her if that's what she wanted me to do.

I'm a highly territorial person, that I am aware of. When I feel like something or someone can be called my territory, I'll do anything to keep others away from it/them. I can even get violent if I'm in the right mood. And whenever I sense that someone is trying to move in on my territory, I can get pretty nasty about marking it as my territory.
But she always makes me so damned insecure... I'm too scared to mark her as my own, cause I'm always so afraid about what's right and what's wrong for her. She's the only person that can make me this insecure.
But had thing's been different, and I knew for sure that she actually loved me and allowed me to call her mine, then I'd be damned if he'd ever get close to her. I'd make sure he knew she was my territory, without ever saying so with pure words. But he'd know. And if he ever took even the smallest step over that line, then I'd be there to make sure he'd regret it.

But this was something I couldn't do. It wasn't my right. She made it quite clear that I am not hers in that way. And how could I get inbetween them when she was so quick to stick herself to him whenever he showed up? How could I ever protect her from him, when she kept running in his direction? She made it impossible. In the end, there's nothing I can do.
She keeps making excuses, but in the end that's all they are. Excuses. And I've come to the point where excuses doesn't mean anything to me anymore. They're worthless.

These feelings of mine won't ever be returned no matter how much I wish for it.

And that truth hurts more than a thousand lies..

In the end, I am just a worthless fool that runs around to entertain her. I sit and wait for her to give me attention, and I drop everything I have and run to her whenever she calls on me. Sometimes it even feels like she's aware of it, and is just taking advantage of me, but I know it's just my insecurity playing on my imagination. Or, at least I hope it is..

I don't know anymore.
All I know is that I am a pathetic fool.
And I wish with my entire being I could quit.

*

Digging graves

Song of the Day:
"Bad Things" - Jace Everett

She started talking about him today.
I honestly wanted to tell her to shut up, but that would've been idiotic of me. I'm the one with the issues here, so she shouldn't have to pay for that. Even though I'm the one who payed for the issues she has with him.

Okay, no, don't go down that road now, you idiot.
Just forget about it.

Jeeze, I'm such a fucked up mess.

I want to move on and get out of this effin' grave I'm in right now, but no matter how hard I try I just get dragged right back down again. I'm not even sure what it is that keeps dragging me like this.
What I do know, though, is that I'm not happy like this. I'm so miserable, it hurts. I'm so depressed, I can't even cry. I'd do anything to escape this.

I'd do anything to get back that small piece of happiness I thought I had before all of this happened. Anything...

*

Fallen Apart, but Still Standing

Song of the Day:
"Leave out all the Rest" - Linkin Park

I'm spinning.
I think.
I don't know..

I've been thinking about a lot of things, and reading through my old entries, and I've tried to piece together all the broken pieces of my mind. It's like a giant puzzle, but none of the pieces fit and the image on it looks like something taken out of a horror movie. It makes no sense to me. Maybe it's not supposed to make sense..

I see, from reading this blog, that a lot of the entries revolve around my ex. A lot of the pieces in the puzzle have her on them. I guess it's no big secret that I still love her. And that I'm not over her. And that I'm still bitter about things, if I take the moment to stop and think about it..
We're talking now. Staying on a friendly level, texting back and forth, almost being friends like we used to. We even got drunk together last weekend, and she stayed the night. Nothing happened, of course, but just having her that close to me really made my insides hurt in a way I never thought possible. I'm very happy that we're back to being friends again, but things still feel iffy inside me. It hurts being near her, and it hurts when she's not here. It just hurts no matter what I do.

Why does it have to hurt like this?

I am still going through things in my mind, as if that'll help somehow. I'm just trying to see if anything could've been done differently. But I don't think so. At least on my part..

I suppose the biggest mistake I did in all of this was to feel.
And I honestly did feel disgusted when my own girlfriend flirted and clung herself to an ex she claimed she hated. And I felt sick to my stomach when I tried to take it up with her and she made no effort to clear things up. Then I felt worthless as the days passed and I heard nothing from her while I knew she was spending all of her time with that damned ex of hers. And lastly, I felt completely crushed when I finally confronted her with things and she just left.

I made it easy for her, I really did. I told her that I didn't want her to act the way she did around him, flirting and clinging to him like that, when she was supposed to be MY girlfriend. It wasn't right. I wanted her to keep her fingers off him, but she said she didn't think she'd be able to do that as long as he was around. As long as he was a friend. So I told her to make the choice between being his friend, and my girlfriend. As simple as that. If she couldn't keep her hands off him, that's the way things had to be.
And she left.
She claimed she couldn't make that choice, but she made it either way. She left me. She chose to stay his friend, over staying my girlfriend. In the end, he meant more to her than I did. An easy choice, really...

I guess I'm just bitter because I wasn't worth more. And hurt because of the way I was treated.

And I'm also feeling uneasy, now that we can actually meet in town and walk around, when we meet other people she knows. And her mother. Cause I feel like they all see me as the bad guy in all of this. Like I was the one who mistreated her in some way. But I suppose there's nothing I can do about that. And it's not like she can go around saying "No, you don't have to feel sorry for me, cause I was the one who left." cause that would just be silly. I know I shouldn't really care about what other people think. They're her friends, and they will always protect her. That's just the way things are.

I guess I just don't want to take the blame for breaking things, when I was the one who tried to fix it..

But in all honesty, these things have been put behind me. I am only bringing them up here right now to get a proper overview on things. The actual break-up isn't an issue for me anymore, cause I've done a good job of getting over it and putting it behind me.

What I can't get over, and put behind me, is her.

I can't kill my feelings for her, no matter how hard I try. And believe me; I AM trying! It's not like I want to love someone who doesn't love me back. It's not like I take pleasure in feeling depressed when she's not around, and getting jealous over idiotic things and people around her, and hurt whenever I feel like she doesn't care as much as I wish she did. But I can't help it...

I can't sleep, cause I keep staring at the ceiling every night and thinking about her. Everything inside me lives and breathes because of that damned woman and the things she bring me! And I'm just a fool...

But my biggest issues in all of this, the ones that kill me over and over and over again every single minute of the god-damned day, are things so private that I can't even write about them in an anonymous blog like this. And it's those things that can make my body stop moving in the middle of the day, even if there are people around, and just hurt. It's those things that drag me down into the dark pit of depression when I'm feeling fine, and stabs me over and over again. It's those things that make me wonder if my life has any meaning to it at all...

The things that helped me breathe.
Without them, I am choking to death.

But I am trying to cope. I am pushing forward with all my might, hoping to find answers and solutions to the problems that just keep piling up on me, and I keep standing up even though I've fallen so unbelievably far down. I've been broken into a million pieces, and I still keep on breaking. I've fallen apart at the seams, and I still keep falling apart.
I'm dead.
But I am still standing.

I am still standing.

*

Rollercoaster

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here, but the truth is that I haven't really felt like being all that social with my own blog. Yeah, I know, it's completely ridicules, but I just haven't been feeling all that great lately.

My life is an emotional rollercoaster, and it has been that way for a long time. My mood is more up and down that it has ever been before, as far as I can remember, and I'm just generally feeling like crap. There's just too many things going through my head, and too many emotions running haywire in me...

I am feeling so horribly lonely these days. And not lonely in the way that I want company, cause in all honesty I really don't want people around me at all, but lonely in the way that I want someone to share my life with. I want to settle down. I want someone to love, who loves me back. Someone I can take care of. Someone that can breathe life into my fire, and warm the frozen parts of me. Someone to protect me from those parts of myself that destroy me...

I am tired of being hurt. Tired of people leaving me, rejecting me. Tired of feeling like no one is able to love me for who I am. Tired of being unhappy. Tired of being lonely.
I'm just generally tired.

It just feels like there is no room for me in this world. Like I am not meant to be here at all, and that there is no way I can ever find happiness here. I suppose it's just the voices in the back of my mind telling me all this, but that doesn't make the feelings it creates any less real.

The winter-depression is slowly killing me. I can't remember the last time it had such a serious grip on me, and it feels like it's slowly choking me to death. It's just getting worse every day, and it's honestly starting to worry me. It's sucking out all my energy, and it is starting to drain my physical health along with my mental health. How am I supposed to deal with this? I never know how to handle these depressions when they come and go. I just sit and get abused by them, and then I'm just left feeling like a used toy... And it's a feeling I've been given way too many times by both people and these depressions.

I don't know..
Nothing feels right anymore.
And there's nothing I can do to fix that.

*